Can women really enjoy casual sex?
…aren’t we just hard-wired for attachment and love?
It’s a question I have been asked many times and pondered for years.
The answer is yes and no.
Every woman today has a deep routed, cultural and evolutionary script that has taught us that women who enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship do not respect themselves and have low self-worth.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
We have a choice.
As any seasoned Kitten could agree, flipping the finger at the social stigma around female sexuality is EMPOWERING, and can be so much fun when you know what works for you, you follow your instinct and stay safe.
It can be exciting and liberating to completely let go with someone you don’t know; no stories, no commitment, nothing to distract you from devouring their flesh.
It can also be awkward as hell, the sex can be ‘meh’, emotions can get tangled up and you can feel flat or used afterwards.
Does the elusive, perfect one night stand exist?
I have experienced the good the bad and the ugly; from delicious one-night affairs in San Francisco and Indonesia to long-standing awesome relationships with sexy-friends.
I’ve also got stuck in a porch while sneaking out of a rugby players house who’s snoring made the walls shake, I’ve developed unrequited feelings for my play partner and had to turn down two people who declared their undying love during a one-nightery.
(Not the same night, but oddly, both called Mike).
It’s a hot topic, so I and my fellow sex-positive colleagues and friends put our heads together to bring you this guide for creating super-hot, satisfying casual experiences while minimising the awkwardness, drama and heartbreak:
How to have an awesome one nightstand
Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Be really honest about what you want, TO YOURSELF.
If you know that you feel flat and deflated with casual arrangements and, underneath the buzz and excitement, you’re hooking up with the hope that your feminine wiles and bedroom acrobatics will have them falling in love with you, please pass.
I’ve been there, it’ll end in tears, probably your own.
Do read to point six to see how play parties and group sex could work for you.
Chemistry is king
From pheromones to gut instinct, so much about sexual attraction can only be judged in person, and of course, inviting a stranger to your home or heading to theirs has its risks, so it’s important to spend time with them.
Check-with yourself; Are you excited? Does this feel right? Do you trust this person with your body? If that’s a yes… go play.
If you’re using a social platform like the Killing Kittens App, a line like; “I think you could really turn me on, let’s grab a coffee to see if this chemistry translates into real life.”
If they aren’t willing to meet for just a coffee, this indicates a lack of respect and not someone you’d want to get involved with.
Safety is sexy
Obvious yes, but also when you feel safe, you relax more and will find it easier to orgasm….
Win-win. Consent doesn’t have to feel heavy, to me it’s foreplay.
What turns you on? What turns you off? Hard no’s? Any injuries? Will you sleep-over? When was your last STI check?
Then when the time is right, text a friend with the full name and address and check-in when your home or when they’ve left. Keep your phone fully charged and close by just in case.
Don’t drink too much! There is no sense in having a wonderful sexcapade if you can’t remember it and the more you drink the less likely you are to stick to what is right for you.
It’s nearly 2020 ladies, your pleasure is your responsibly! Learn what works for you and how to communicate – relying on a perfect stranger to understand how your body works is disempowering and often frustrating.
You can dial-up connection with plenty of eye contact, keep it playful and let go.
You’re never going to see this person again, why not let loose??
The exit strategy
One of the benefits of prearranged debauchery is the ability to clarify sleeping and spooning arrangements.
Is this a one-night love affair with romance and cuddles, knowing you’d feel a bit rejected or weird if they just turn up, fuck and leave? Or do you play by the no sleep-over rule?
Getting this super clear first makes life so much easier.
If this conversation wasn’t covered, you can simply ask “Mind if I sleep-over?” or “Were you thinking of staying over?” and have a giggle over this awkward bit.
If you’re asking your partner to leave, be polite. Make them a brew and call them a cab.
More can certainly be merrier
It’s hard to fall in love when there’s three or more of you. Group sex and play parties are perfect for NSA (no strings attached) arrangements, whether you’re prone to catching feelings or not.
Or if you prefer one-on-one interactions, diversifying your partners limits the addictive impact of the dopamine rush.
Friends with benefits?
Want to upgrade to a regular hook up, but don’t want to catch the feels?
My number one rule; if I wouldn’t cheer them on for pulling a hottie or feel a wave of joy for them falling for a new partner, I won’t go there.
I still get the odd wave of jealousy, that’s normal and human, but any more than that ends in resentment and self-doubt. Not hot.
Next, to prevent the delicious cocktail of hot lust and multiple orgasms, which has the same impact on your brain as cocaine, transferring into warm fuzzy, relationship feelings, dial down the frequency of your interactions.
I love a post-coital breakdown. What turned you on? What do you want to try next? – but in a casual arrangement checking in if feelings have developed, and whether to continue or not, allows you to know exactly where you stand. Then give it a good 28 days for the initial high to dissipate and the orgasm flavour goggles to slide off.
If your prone to attachment daily texts are the dealer for dopamine, the same goes for social media (actual interaction and stalking, I see you).
Don’t do sleepovers. The dreamy, big spoon, little spoon, face stroking, snuggling into the nook, is like crack, and way too hard to detox. Same goes for dirty weekenders.
What to do if you catch the warm fuzzies?
Honesty is the ONLY policy. You have to be prepared that you may never see this person again, the implied agreement is to simply sleep together so never go into the encounter expecting more (see point one).
Take a deep breath and share that you’d be open to exploring more, but you understand that wasn’t the agreement. Play friends can turn in to relationships, one of my greatest love affairs started on the sex party circuit with a message just like that.
If they don’t feel the same, respect their honesty, wrap yourself up in self-love, it may sting for a little bit, but you can walk away with your head held high for respecting yourself and your play friend.
That is powerful.
I am on a mission to change the way we learn about sex and love.
It’s time to rewrite the cultural scripts around female sexuality, this means you can have incredible fun with casual sex AND it’s also perfectly okay for you only to desire sex in committed relationships.
Chances are it can be a combination of both, depending on where you are in your life.
Sexual empowerment is about understanding and enjoying what is best for YOU in each and every moment.
Love this? Ready to learn more about dating, casual sex and one night stands, Caroline D’Arcy will be joining the ‘How to do Dating’ panel event, CLICK HERE to sign up
*Caroline D’Arcy is a Sexual Empowerment Coach, Public Speaker and founder of Inti-Mate.co. She has been featured in Killing Kittens, Nourish Life, Sex+zine and more. If you’re curious about empowering your sex life, and can’t make the live event, sign up for her free workshop here.
Hello, I’m Kitten E, Social Media Manager for KK. I’m passionate about giving people the tools to live their best (sex) lives and am proud to be part of the Killing Kittens movement.