Debunking the “detached Dominant”

In this blog we discuss what is dominant sex, how to be dominant during sex , how to make your dominant happy and the role of a true dominant.

As always, KK is delighted to have our guest blogger Sarah who is helping us to understand the dynamics and emotions of the Dominant and Submissive relationships.

Aftercare isn’t just reserved for the submissive. After intense play, the Dominant can also experience periods of highs and lows, similar to that of subspace and sub drops. Here, I want to debunk the stereotype of the “detached Dominant” after sex, and shed some light on how you can keep your dominant/sub relationship happy and healthy and emotionally attached rather than detached sexually.

The BDSM community has never had it easy. But one thing that really bothers me amidst the various misinterpretations of our community is the depiction of Dominants as emotionally detached monsters (I hold Christian Grey personally responsible for this particular typecast).  Let’s get one thing straight: anyone who exerts power over a woman (or a man) in order to make themselves feel good, regardless to the feelings of the recipient, is not a Dominant, they are a coward.

There have been many assumptions of a correlation between previous childhood trauma, and the desire to inflict pain on somebody else for their own sexual pleasure (cough cough, Christian Grey). Similarly, there is a strong opinion that anyone who wishes to experience pain for sexual gratification must have a number of various “issues”. I feel at this point I do not need to reiterate that a BDSM relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and most importantly, consent.

No one is limitless

The dynamic between a Dominant and their submissive is a power exchange, where boundaries exist but they are meant to be pushed. There are very clear rules and guidelines’ regarding a submissive’s boundaries, namely, the use of a safe word. When the submissive uses her safe word, the Dominant should cease any and all activity. But just as it is extremely important for a Dominant to recognise when their sub is close to their limits, it is equally as imperative for a sub to recognise when their Dominant could be experiencing their own “drop”.

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Yes, Dominants have limits too. Anyone who claims to be “limitless” is likely to be severely uneducated in the world of kink in general, because I can tell you now, there really is a whole world of fetishes out there to cater to the most bizarre concepts you could think of. So kittens, respect your Dominant’s limits.

What is important to remember is that the Dominant has a duty of care, and although you are consenting to their actions (and subsequently accepting the consequences of those actions), they will still feel responsible for your wellbeing. If you really like being choked out (something which requires technique and experience), but he worries about trusting his own strength, don’t push it.

A true Dominant will work hard to communicate with you and understand how you’re feeling during play and punishment. Whenever you play with someone new, that person should take the time warming you up in order to gage your reaction and learn where your threshold is. So don’t be put off if a new partner only spanks you lightly the first time- this shows respect for you and your body.

Safe-wording and Dominant remorse

The submissive should never feel like they don’t have the option to use their safe word, and most importantly, the Dominant should never feel guilty if their sub does choose to safe word. And this is something us kittens need to keep an eye out for. I’ve chosen to label it “Dominant’s remorse”; whereby they may experience a feeling of guilt or unease having pushed their submissive too close to the edge.

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The safe word is there for a reason and neither party should feel any pressure when it comes to using it. Aftercare for the Dominant following the use of a safe word is just as important as caring for the submissive. Talk to each other, discuss how both of you felt in that moment and why it wasn’t right for you. But also tell him what you did like, and at what point you felt he took you over the edge, so he knows where to set the boundaries for play next time.

If your Dominant understands why you called your safe word, then they are much less likely to experience a “drop” (as are you), and this will ultimately make you stronger as a couple. Just like any of us, your Dominant will want to know he’s doing a good job at pleasing you, so talking openly is something that every couple should do; this is not limited to BDSM relationships.

Dominants also shouldn’t feel afraid of getting their sub to feedback during play about where they are on a scale of 1-safewording. This is a great way to pace yourselves, especially if you’re just starting out on your BDSM journey, and should also be exciting for both of you, as testing the limits is what it’s all about, right?

A gentleman and a sadist

The thing about Dominants that not a lot of people see is that they are often very emotional, tactile and caring people. A Dominant is a sadistic, sexy, powerful man that a sub’s masochistic side craves so deeply. But he is also her knight in shining armour; rescuing her when she’s close to her limits, and most importantly, making her feel safe in his arms. A true Dominant can tell when she needs a good hard slap and when she needs a gentle caress. They will allow their submissive to explore herself sexually and emotionally without shame or guilt.

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And kittens, you should do the same for him. Be his filthy little whore, kneel before him and serve him without question. But know when to stand tall and be strong for him. Appreciate him, reassure him, and thank him for taking care of you.

About Me:

Debunking the “detached Dominant”

Hello kittens, my name is Sarah. I’m passionate about all things BDSM and encouraging female sexual liberation. I enjoy good wine, travelling and dancing salsa. You can read more from me on my blog.


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