Getting ‘Handsy’ With Skill!

Here’s a little ‘how to’ guide to pleasing your partner with your hands, whether you’re male or female, this post will help you understand what makes us crave your fingers.

Using your hands is an extremely sensual way of doing… well, anything. Eating with your hands and feeding each other sets your nerve endings alight, and so it makes complete sense that a lot of women can only orgasm due to the touch from their partners’ fingertips rather than their sexual organs.

The best ever advice for getting a girl off using your hands is “do everything half as fast and twice as softly as you think you should”. People work from the example set by pornography, where they stick a whole hand up there and wriggle it around as if it wasn’t attached to your body. Ladies, we know that this isn’t for everyone. It may be for some people, which is totally fine, but for the vast majority of us, being gentle is essential at the beginning. It generates levels of intimacy and shows us we are being cared for.

Suspense is key!

Before you touch your partner downstairs, tease her a little. Cup her vulva through her clothes, but do so gently. Do this whilst kissing her lips, neck, ear – you know the drill, and make her want you. Keeping her on her toes will intensify the whole situation, and that’s exactly how you want her.

Then get into position. The lazier position would be to simply reach one hand down whilst being next to her, but we’re going for perfection here. No laziness allowed. Make sure you’re facing her, and prop her knees up. This could be sat on a chair, on the kitchen counter – however you want, be inventive. You need to be either kneeling or sitting in front of her. This creates a lovely element of intimacy, as you’re facing each other, and it’s therefore perceived as a shared experience.

Like I said, it’s important to create sexual suspense and let her know that you’re treating her with respect. Trail your fingertips up and down her thighs, before teasing the inside of her thighs with your fingertips. Kiss her whilst you are doing this, and her legs will open naturally, which is your cue to focus on her lady parts.

Let her guide you now.

Hold your fingers against her labia, and watch how she positions herself (as if you’re not doing it, I can assure you that she will). Pay close attention to how she grinds against you. These hints and tips will help you know the amount of pressure she requires. And I mean pay really close attention. Watch how her hips move – slow, fast, gently or heatedly. This will then grid against your hand at the speed and pressure that she’s after. If she’s not moving at all, then you’re already doing it perfectly! That or she doesn’t know how you’ll react if she tries to help you.

As a result, you need to ask for some form of feedback. I’m not talking about a five star review with a recommendation to a friend. I mean ask her if she’s enjoying what you’re doing. And better still, ask her to show you how she gets herself off. She will know better than anyone else about what works for her, and if she’s game, you will learn a lot. The main concept that people learn whilst doing this is to circle your finger(s) around the clit rather than go straight in and stimulate it directly. It’s also worth noting that if you stimulate the clitoris too soon or with too much pressure, the result will more than likely be that of pain rather than pleasure.

You now need to test how lubricated your partner is. To do this, please don’t stick your whole hand up there. Simply run your finger along her labia. Don’t be too hard on yourself if she’s not soaked. It may not be your technique at all, and while it could be, it’s also worth noting that there are a number of factors that will have an effect on this (simply taking the Pill can cause vaginal dryness!). Many times, the lubrication is there, it’s just hidden away inside. If you gently, and I mean gently, insert your fingertip into the vagina, you can then spread the lubrication around the clit.


You’re now going to mimic that ‘cupping’ technique you mastered right at the very beginning of this. Place your hand over her pubic bone and bend your middle finger so that it’s in line to touch her clit. Now use that cupping motion, and move your finger in circles to rub her clitoris. You then will want to use two of your fingers next to your middle finger to stimulate the edges of the labia. Draw circles around the clitoris using your middle finger. We like circular motions rather than up and down motions that so many people think we’re in to (we’re not).

What you’re actually doing now is a combination of touching and rubbing the shaft of the clitoris. Didn’t know we had a shaft, did you? Well, it’s the bit just behind the clitoral hood (which is the skin that protects the clitoris and looks like, well, a hood). As you’ve probably figured out, a lot of the action will revolve around the clit but very few women can cope with direct and prolonged stimulation on it. It actually just hurts that way.

Now listen carefully.

Really listen. This is important. Do not change your technique, especially when she’s close to orgasm. You are not showing her your hand-job portfolio of all the movements and techniques you’ve ever learnt. It will end in a frustrated and angry conversation in which your partner will ask you why the bloody hell you changed the way you were doing things when she made it clear that you were close. You must think: one method, one speed. And these revolve around the things you have already learnt from her, so don’t think you know better than her. I promise you, you don’t. The only time you have permission to stop is to add additional lube, which is important to do. It’s very easy to dry up, but the minute you feel that, add some more.

‘Finger banging’ your partner will not usually result in orgasm. Women don’t usually masturbate this way, and as I’ve said about twenty times now, they know their body better than anyone. Let them guide you. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do that at all. Especially if you’re building up toward having sex, as this will ‘warm her up’ so to speak. It certainly adds pleasure – it’s just unlikely that this is what sends her to that ‘ohmygodI’mgoingto’ stage. If you’re going to do it, then just make sure you’re combining it with clitoral stimulation.

When you’ve mastered this, you can level up and seriously impress your lady by doing the following:

Cross her legs:

This may sound bizzare, but science is behind it, I swear. If she’s having a great time, but she can’t quite get over the edge of orgasm, ask her to sit up and cross her legs and then press the soles of her feet together. It gives you easier access to stimulate her, and it also helps orgasm by pressing her feet together.

Tease her with a shallow dip: Gently dip one finger into her vagina and slide it upward. Position it by thinking of hitting her tummy. This way the entire length presses against the clitoral area. You can then move forward and backward in a very slow, almost twisting motion, before moving back down and repeating this technique.

Be Insy Winsy Spider: Yep. Seriously. You need to be as delicate, light and gentle as possible with this one. You’re not stimulating the skin, but the tiny hairs on the skin. Begin at the line of hair from just underneath her belly button, and ever so gently use the pads of your fingers rather than your fingertips to slide down to her labia lips, and then continue along the outside of her vagina – all the while persisting with that angel feather touch. Move toward the outer labia, the perineum, trace circles around the anus, and then make your way back. Not only does the stimulation feel amazing, but it’s a fantastic way to introduce a little backdoor play, because it’s respectful, gentle and non-intrusive. Gauge their reaction and work from that.

Use Your Head

Ladies, unfortunately, this one is a little trickier for you, as even if you’re using a toy, the tip of the toy won’t have the same sensation as the tip of a penis. Gentlemen, however – the tip of your penis is beautifully soft, and is perfect to stimulate an aroused, sensitive clitoris. Use your hands to guide the head of your penis up and down, ensuring you encompass the entire clitoral area.

And there you have it! The ideal way to please your lady. She’ll be tingling and shaking from pleasure in no time. Good luck, ladies and gents!