How to be confident in and out of the bedroom with Caroline D’arcy*.
90% of women want more of it…
90% of men and women say it their biggest turn on…
Let’s face it CONFIDENCE IS F*CKING SEXY
It’s the one thing we’re certainly not taught, especially in the bedroom. What you might not realise is that confidence isn’t something you’re born with and it’s often confused with being introverted or extroverted. Do you think all extroverts are confident? All introverts are shy?
All it really means to be an extravert is that you get your energy from being around people, being introverted means that you rest and recharge from alone time. Some of sexiest women in the world, and perceived as the most confident, include Hollywood royalty, Grace Kelly and Julia Roberts, the original ‘dirty’ songstress Christina Aguilera and even Queen Beyoncé – all self-confessed introverts, who have learnt confidence.
On the flip side, a flag flying extravert like me. I spent years putting on a mask of confidence when internally I hated everything about how I looked, terrified that people would find out that underneath it all I was a faking it, terrified they’d find me out. Even in the bedroom, I had carefully curated ‘skills’ that I could perform, yet I was never fully present to myself and my body. Good sex meant making sure my partner had the best experience. In reality, I never felt enough.
How to build confidence
Do you think you need REASONS to be confident? That you need to be more attractive? Prettier, thinner, younger…? Porn actor skills and gymnastic flexibility…? Or that it’s something you’re just born with?
It’s actually CONFIDENCE itself that makes you ATTRACTIVE.
There are three levels of confidence, most of us only focus on one or two and forget the third.
- Perceived/surface – How we look, how we present and our presence in the room comes from feeling authentic and making an effort. There’s a psychological and physiological effect of grooming and self-care – it releases the feel-good chemical serotonin. It’s sexually relevant and can take you from a zero to a murmuring of arousal before you’ve even touched flesh. When you are aroused, you experience less anxiety and more confidence. Win win. There really is power of beautiful lingerie, latex or whatever YOU feel sexy in.
- Competency – The Sexy Education you didn’t get! Confidence can only get you so far – competency is important. If I stood on stage declaring that I was the best public speaker in the world, looking phenomenal – but I crash and burn and can’t get my words out, that surface level means nothing. Female sexuality has been masked in 1000s years of secrecy and shame, we do not get taught how our bodies work, we didn’t even understand the anatomy of the clitoris until 1981. It’s understandable that you don’t know right now, but it’s your responsibility to learn. There is a huge amount of pleasure infused sex education out there, from Emily Nagoski’s book come as you are through to workshops, through to coaching. DO YOUR RESEARCH. LEARN. It’s the most pleasurable education you can ever take.
- The third and most important, CORE Core level confidence is the one we really don’t talk about. It’s KNOWING and LOVING what is true for you, even though it’s not what you thought ‘should’ be true, it’s not having porn level skills or having the perfect body, it’s about understanding your body, your sexuality, your want’s and desires. It’s KNOWING you are ENOUGH. It’s self-love at it’s finest.
What core level confidence looks like in the bedroom:
- Getting completely lost in the moment
- Fully receiving pleasure
- Know how to find out what your partner really wants
- Know and communicate what you want
True confidence is a practice that comes from knowing and connecting to your most authentic sexual self, your flavours, your wants, your desires and loving who YOU are, your wants and desires, expressing them. This is not something you are born with. It is something you get to learn, PRACTICE and evolve.
Ready to learn Fierce levels of confidence, in and out of the bedroom?
Sign up to our Fierce Female Workshop with Caroline D’Arcy
*Caroline D’Arcy is a Sexual Empowerment Coach, Public Speaker and founder of Inti-Mate.co. She has been featured in Killing Kittens, Nourish Life, Sex+zine and more. If you’re curious about empowering your sex life, and can’t make the live event, sign up for her free workshop here.
Hello, I’m Kitten E, Editor of the KK blog and Social and Content Manager for the Group. I’m passionate about educating people about sex in order to remove stigmas and judgment. Want to write for KK? Drop us an email