by Caroline D’Arcy
I’m Caroline, sex educator extraordinaire, coach and pleasure enthusiast.
I’m also a ‘super-independent’, ‘I don’t need no man’ woman in recovery.
Whoa hang on – aren’t sex educators meant to be flag flying feminists?
And you need a man?
Oh my god yes, and no.
What I NEED is masculine energy to create the most mind-blowing orgasms and intense sexual chemistry, but I used to think that being feminine was weak, that I’d be taken
advantage of or, even worse, that I’d come across as insecure and needy. At the same time, I thought of masculinity as being aggressive, hyper-competitive and
controlling, added to gender being defined as a fluid concept, I was more than a little confused over what I was meant to be okay with….
Was it okay to want him to at least offer to pay for dinner…?
Did it mean I was a bad feminist if I enjoyed spanking…?
Was it degrading if I wanted him on his knees waiting for me when I got home??
I just didn’t get it, my friends said I was a catch – I was confident, hot, CrossFit strong, successful, yet I felt exhausted, lonely and seemed to repel the delicious masculine men I
craved so much. Now, I attract high value, strong, masculine men into my life and have even better, more connected, seductive, satisfying, sex and more energy than ever before – while running an
incredible, badass business that helps women connect to their own powerful, feminine sexual side.
How? I realised, like so many successful women, I was stuck in my masculine energy, and this was fucking with who I was attracting, how I felt about myself and my energy.
Human’s are basically walking magnets – opposite charges attract, the same charge pushes away.
If you want chemistry, you’ve got to understand what energy you’re attracting in.
Step one: Understand masculine and feminine energy
Let’s get a few things cleared up, the words ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ aren’t the best terms as the energy isn’t determined by your genital configuration or choice of gender. Ancient Chinese philosophy calls it yin and yang, traditional hatha yoga uses the words sun and moon. I think of it as the positive and negative charge on your trusty Duracells:
Masculine energy is dominant, penetrating, providing, hard, logical, scheduled, direct, doing – the positive charge.
Feminine energy is submissive, open, chaotic, soft, receptive, constantly moving, passive, fluid, sensual, being – the negative charge.
You’ve got both within you, it’s just you’ll be more comfortable with one than the other. Men tend to be more dominant in masculine energy and women tend to be more dominant in feminine, but there’s no right or wrong.
The chemistry (or physics?) lesson you’ve been waiting for;
Two positives don’t attract, neither do two negatives.
I’ll be you’ve experienced the sheer panic when you’ve popped brand spanking new batteries in your favourite toy and nothing happened, and the relief when you’ve realised the batteries are in the wrong way?
Same with your sexy-time partner. Two positives, or two negatives = no attraction. This feels like a friendship, it may even feel super loving, you will probably feel bored sexually, or stuck in the friendzone.
Step two: Identify who you want to attract
This isn’t about where you are now, it’s about who you fancy: Are you attracted to someone who is open, soft, comfortable with their beauty, being (vs doing), creative, playful? Do you want to serve and protect them? If that’s a hell yes, then
you want to attract more feminine energy, so you get to step more into your masculine.
Or do you crave being led, or even dominated, with integrity, dependability, safety, strength? Then you’re craving more masculine energy, so you get to step more into your feminine.
Step three: get magnetic energy
To step into your feminine:
- Physically soften your body – Relax and breathe, you can still do the nasty with a barbell, but balance it out with more fluid movements like yoga and dancing especially in ways that use your ass and hips.
- Get creative – You don’t have to be good at drawing, you can sing, write, cook food, create a beautiful environment at home, whatever works for you
- Dress beautifully– It doesn’t have to be flowery skirts, I feel beautiful wearing lace, soft sensual fabrics, glimpses of the shoulder, winged eyeliner and perfume. Find your style, whatever makes YOU feel good.
- Understand your language– Telling masculine energy what to do will turn them off, instead, ask for their help or give them a problem to solve and tell them why that turns you on
- Create the space for him to feel wanted, useful and needed- If a masculine energy doesn’t feel needed they’ll lose interest; if you’ve ‘got this’, or ‘your super independent and don’t need help’, you won’t attract a masculine energy into your life. Even the simplest things go a long way, let them open the doors, pay for the meal, open the jam jar. Need them!
To step into your masculine you can:
- Feel strong in your body– This isn’t about having a six pack, more having a strong and grounded presence, lift those shoulders back and build strength – press ups and grounding meditation are your friend!
- Take yourself (a little more) seriously. Feminine energy needs to feel safe and supported, if you don’t take yourself seriously, why would your role with them seriously?
- Dress well- Think carefully put-together suits, denim, buckles, leather, whatever makes you feel strong and in charge – Mr. Grey, with or without the red room of pain
- Understand you language- The key is to be direct, not passive and to help her feel safe and listened to, ‘I’m going to kiss you, is that okay?’ and ‘I’ve got you’ are absolute turn on for feminine energy
- Create a safe space- If you’re rolling your eyes at their emotions, calling them crazy, they will feel unsafe; instant turn off, instead listen to your partner and ask what they need, they probably don’t need fixing, they just want to be heard
It’s all about opposites attract.
Want to know more?
If you are fed up, bored and yet still craving real connection (even if it is just for one night)
then join Caroline D’Arcy and Fidel Beauhill for our Sexual Confidence in Dating workshop
where they will dive into the fundamentals of sexual chemistry for dating in the modern
This is the first time we’ve brought together these two powerhouses of the sexuality world
to give the most honest, no bullshit and practical way to step into your sexual confidence
and learn how to get TURNED ON by dating.
Not dating or can’t make the live event?
Sign up to Carolines latest online workshop for women here, or check out Fidel’s modern
man club here.
Hello, I’m Kitten E, Editor of the KK blog and Social and Content Manager for the Group. I’m passionate about educating people about sex in order to remove stigmas and judgment. Want to write for KK? Drop us an email