Editor’s Note: This article is for people of any gender, and with any physiology. However, a lot of the links use outdated or bio-essentialist language to discuss this condition, with the majority of information and studies conducted on cisgender people, with a particular focus on cisgender women. Whilst the editorial team have gone through this article to try to mitigate any unnecessary gendering, we would like to notify our trans, nonbinary, intersex and gender non-conforming readers before clicking on any linked information as these are not all up to the same standard of inclusivity that we are aiming for here at KK.
[Edited 2022]
With 10% of cis women being diagnosed with primary anorgasmia and an even higher rate (some studies suggest up to 41%) with secondary anorgasmia, Killing Kittens felt there needed to be more awareness of the condition. Because, as with so many things, knowledge is power.
What Is Anorgasmia?
Anorgasmia is the medical term for a person who struggles or is unable to reach orgasm after what would normally be considered sufficient sexual stimulation, and that this causes significant distress for the person who is not having an orgasm.
Anorgasmia can be divided into two categories:
- Primary anorgasmia
- Secondary anorgasmia
Neither of these are specific physical conditions, and as certified sex therapist Diana Urman is quoted as saying in this article, seeing as orgasm is itself “vaguely defined”, the idea of anorgasmia is also a little unclear and mutable. Nor is it entirely clear what “sufficient sexual stimulation” means – as we all know, what is pleasurable for one person may not feel good for someone else.
Some examinations of anorgasmia also tend to pathologise normal human sexual function, as well as being messily gendered – anorgasmia is commonly referred to as either “female orgasmic disorder” for people with vulvas, and “delayed ejaculation” for people with penises, as these are the definitions given in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th Edition).
For these reasons, it is always worth proceeding with caution and working from your own experience. If you are happy with your sex life and orgasms, it shouldn’t matter at all whether or not you measure up to some strange, heteronormative and cisgender yardstick for measuring pleasure.
If, however, you feel that there is something amiss with your ability to access pleasure, it may be worth seeing whether definitions of anorgasmia can help shed some light on what is – or is not – going on.
What is Primary Anorgasmia?
Primary anorgasmia is a condition where someone has never had an orgasm, either by themselves or with partners.
Primary anorgasmia is more commonly found in people with vulvas, though if a person with a penis lacks the gladipudendal reflex, they can suffer from primary anorgasmia, too.
Some people with this condition can find it hard to become sexually aroused at all, whereas others report frustration, restlessness and pelvic pain or heaviness due to arousal without release.
This level of anorgasmia is sometimes also known as ‘Lifelong Anorgasmia,’ and doesn’t always have a physical explanation. A common theory is that non-physically triggered primary anorgasmia can occur when people have been raised in particularly sexually repressive environments, or have experienced a great deal of shaming around their bodies, sexuality and or gender when growing up.
What is Secondary Anorgasmia?
Unlike Primary Anorgasmia, secondary anorgasmia means someone has climaxed before. It essentially means that a person used to be able to orgasm but now can’t, or they can achieve orgasm but only after a very prolonged period of time and/or the intensity of their orgasms has significantly diminished.
For people experiencing secondary anorgasmia, this would be true whatever the sexual situation – so it would take just as long to come when masturbating as it would with a partner.
Not being able to come with a partner, but having no issues when masturbating, is sometimes called “situational anorgasmia”. This “diagnosis” can do more harm than good, however: a lot of people (particularly cisgender women who sleep with cisgender men) find it more difficult to orgasm when having sex with a partner, but this has more to do with societal norms, expectations and anxieties than it does with the person struggling to come.
Secondary anorgasmia can be found in people who:
- Have been/are going through the menopause
- Have recently given birth
- Are a victim of assault
- Have had a fluctuation in weight
- Have been put on a new type of medication
- Have been injured in some way, shape, or form
Other things that can trigger secondary anorgasmia are:
- Pelvic surgery, such as a total hysterectomy or prostatecomy
- Emotional or psychological difficulties, such as grief and depression
- Stress
- Alcohol and/or drug use
- Experiencing pain during sex
- Performance anxiety
Is there a cure for anorgasmia?
Ultimately, in order to know if there is a cure for your anorgasmia, you will need to know what is causing it in the first place.
Speak to a doctor or medical professional to rule out any underlying physical causes. If there are no physical reasons for your anorgasmia, you could seek help from a trained sex therapist. They should be specially trained to help not only with any psychological causes of anorgasmia, but also to focus on accessing pleasure. They can help you examine your relationship to sex, your body and your partnerships in the safer space of a therapy session.
Other things to explore might be toys and erotica, focused sexual practices like tantra, meditation and mindfulness. It may be a question of giving time and space to yourself and your body, exploring what gives you pleasure on your own and or with a partner.
Try to be patient with yourself. It’s hard to explore or talk about sex when, for so many people, this is discouraged or shamed from a young age. That’s why at KK we focus on creating a positive and empowering community where sex can be openly discussed and celebrated.
Check out our main site here, and keep an eye out for workshops that address questions of communication, confidence and mindfulness, all of which can be useful tools when it comes to tackling anorgasmia.
Written by the Killing Kittens team.