In this final part of her essay on Domination, Lola Jean explores how to be a good Dom/me through looking at common Dom mistakes.
Just like Submissives, Dominants can have boundaries as well as individual styles. Though you alter your style slightly based on your submissive, you’ll still have a style authentic to you.
I embody a playfulness and brattiness that I employ no matter what position I am in. I can keep those elements of what is true to me without compromising the needs of my submissive.
Example: A gentleman who attended one of my Domming classes once asked how to approach a new submissive who identified as a ‘little’ and wanted him to take the Dom Daddy role. This was hard for him to embody as he felt most at home as a more demanding, stern military type. I asked him if he could adjust the framework. An important piece within Dd/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) is the protection and care, which is especially important in the beginning and end. What if he started as the caring Daddy and his personality *switched* at some point into his more military, stern persona, then towards the end of the scene he’d “snap out of it” and explain, “I’m sorry darling, I don’t know what came over me”, then proceed to provide ALL the aftercare.
When actors play roles of villains, murderers, or something else unrelatable, they have to find their truth within that character, something that resonates. If you can’t find a relatable touchpoint in the character or role, why not see if you can alter the framework or semantics to make that work for you? It may be that it’s too big a distance for you to traverse, and that is also something that is worth recognising. Play to your strengths, and never be afraid to suggest a sub seeks someone else more suited to what they’re looking for in a D/s experience.
Workshop and practise what you’re going to do by telling them in detail or providing an overview before to gauge their reaction. It won’t “ruin the surprise.” If anything, it will build anticipation while also clueing you into what they respond best to.
How To Be A Good Dom
Avoiding common mistakes
Being a good Dom starts with learning the pitfalls.
If you’re new to the Dom/sub relationship, you’ll have preconceived ideas about how to portray your role.
But the movies that many people learn their ideas from are full of errors.
Mistake 1: Shouting
Raising your voice or yelling is a sign of weakness as you have to resort to anger to try to control a situation. Unless shouting is specifically part of what the sub is looking for, explore control without raising your voice.
A calm, cool, collected Dom/me demands much more respect than an erratic one.
Mistake 2: Being angry for the sake of it
Often, we see the Dominant as a “mean.” In extremes, they may even humiliate an individual. Even though what they may be doing might look or be classified as “mean” to the outside world, we don’t know the context within the submissive’s desires.
Embodying an “angry” approach should be a last resort, and only after you’ve established consistency and trust with your submissive.
Mistake 3: Being serious 24/7
Your D/s relationship doesn’t have to be severe and stringent. It can be playful, loving, and fun.
At the end of the day, the whole point in the D/S dynamic is to escape from reality and to fulfil desires. Being playful only heightens the experience.
Mistake 4: Expecting a perfect outcome from the first experience
Pretending that mistakes will not happen is damaging.
Yes, we try to avoid this with safewords, boundaries, check-ins, aftercare and more, but it’s foolish to act like this will never happen.
Sometimes individuals don’t realise something was a boundary until after the scene, or they may dissociate during the scene, though they appear lucid.
It’s crucial to communicate and understand afterwards (or potentially during) what went wrong and where, how you can alleviate this, and what you both can do differently the next time to rectify or prevent this from happening again. It doesn’t make you a bad Dom/me/mx to acknowledge your mistake! On the contrary, it deepens your understanding of your submissive, yourself and the roles that BDSM can play.
Mistake 5: Blaming the other person
This is a learning experience for both of you, and mishaps aren’t necessarily someone’s “fault.” This is why aftercare is so important, regardless of whether a boo-boo is happening/has happened or not, as it can help alleviate some of the discomforts that may have been caused, and clarify why they happened.
Mistake 6: Demanding trust without earning it
Demanding submission or trust immediately upon knowing someone does not result in trust.
You have to earn the trust you’re craving.
Just because you call yourself Master, Daddy, Sir, Mistress, Goddess or any other (ungendered) term and instruct your submissive to refer to you as such, this does not mean you have immediate authority.
Dominance is a title to be earned. And just whilst we’re on the subject of titles, you can call yourself anything you like: there’s no reason why a Domme who identifies as a woman shouldn’t be Daddy. Just fyi.
Patience and consistency are essential in letting our submissive put their trust in our hands.
Submission isn’t a free pass to take. It’s given willingly.
If you find your approach is ineffective, you may need to find a new route. When a submissive is not obedient to demands and rules, it may be that they require a different approach, language, or autonomy.
This is why the ‘getting to know you’ phase of building a Dom/sub relationship is so important.
Mistake 7: Punishing or rewarding for no reason
Confusing your submissive by using punishment or rewards without reason is a one-way street to overwhelm city. A punishment OR reward system has its purpose.
Similar to a puppy, use your punishment or reward system as a means to motivate specific behaviour. You need to be super clear about why you’re punishing or rewarding. A submissive will not be able to know everything you want intuitively. Talk. To. Them. And if they aren’t responding to your methods, see my previous article regarding motivations.
Want More Lola In Your Life?
Lola Jean’s wisdom about all things Domming can be explored on her Instagram and her website.
Check her out and expand your understanding of the meaning and lifestyle of a Dom/me.
Plus, with Lola regularly running online classes with us, make sure you keep an eye on the KK Workshops & Masterclasses pages!
Lola Jean is a Sex Educator, Mental Health Professional, Wrestler, Pro Domme and World Record Holder for Volume Squirting (solo.) providing the No Frills Sex Education we both need and deserve. Lola brings a refreshing understanding to sex, sexuality and kink to push individuals past what they think they are capable of. There is so much we are not exploring due to fear. Fear of how society will view us. How our partners will view us. How our peers will view us. Lola helps individuals stop making excuses and unlock who they are and what they deserve.