Finding Sexual Liberation in Lockdown: A Personal Journey of Discovery

Kitten L openly and honestly talks about her journey to sexual liberation and how lockdown opened up a world of possibilities. Read her first account involving chats with her husband, her first experiences of Killing Kittens and where Kitten L’s path is heading.

I have had my fair share of sexual experiences, ranging from earth-shatteringly wonderful to downright abusive. Arguably, when I talk to my friends, I am lucky enough to have had more adventure than most having enjoyed some experiences with women, organic group sex (could do better) and dabbled in BDSM. I think I have always felt ‘a little bit rude’ compared to most. However, at the age of forty-four and with no family commitments, my desire to become totally sexually liberated became more of a priority to me, and Lockdown proved to be an ideal opportunity – almost a necessity for my personality type – as the revocation of my civil liberty closed in on me I began to feel like I was stuck in a cage – and when you cage an animal their instincts take over. My instincts were to find my freedom by some other means!

My husband and I have always enjoyed a healthy sex life, but as the years passed by, I still felt that something was missing – it seems that one person cannot fulfill all the needs of another, and why should they? I was realistic about that, and as much as I wished that this was not the case (always the idealist), I had to face the stark reality. I was finding it difficult to contain my desires and so I decided that I had no option but to talk it through with him – I imagined a glass of Malbec in hand, lots of knowing eye contact, the odd tear, and the kind of grown-up conversation you see in the movies; a straight forward dialogue about the evolution of a partnership.  We talked openly and honestly about what I wanted and why, there were tears and an outpouring of indifference, but at the end, when two people’s values are not aligned the sad truth must be faced head-on. Life is too short – we all know that and yet we are all guilty of rarely actioning how we want to live it! At first, he tried to be a supportive husband, but it quickly waned, and support turned to anger, and then distance and disconnection.  In the end, we agreed that I would go out on my own – the consequences of which I have yet to fully discover. 

Finding myself oddly ‘single’ and living alone was strange, to say the least, had I really done the right thing? Was it brave, or just selfish? I feared deeply that I had made a terrible mistake and that I was replacing love and companionship for sex, and whilst I believe that the two can co-exist it requires optimum strength from both parties; laying oneself bare from the very start. But, unfortunately, more often than not, we can’t find the words for the people we love or connect/are attracted to – the human condition fills us with fear -fear of being judged or unloved for being ourselves and it rings so loudly in our hearts and minds that we can’t find our voice  – and so, on we plod into the amiable abyss; and I was not prepared for that to be the case any longer. There were certainly days when self-doubt began to creep in, but on a positive, there was an incredible feeling of empowerment and assertiveness. I was living my life in the way that I wanted, with freedom and possibility. I was excited, and I was creating an authenticity that my 20’s and 30’s had not afforded me. It made me feel good. 

My first port of call was joining Killing Kittens, a site of like-minded people. I treated it much like homework, I was going to study hard – the people, the kinks, their preferences, as well as what it really means to be ‘sexually liberated’, broadly, and for them as individuals, thus helping me in my own journey. If I was going to take a leap of faith and take this opportunity for myself, I was going make sure that I maximised it.  

I decided to be completely open and honest from the start – vulnerable to some extent. I remember resisting the urge to lower my actual age when I set up my profile – I’ve been told I don’t look forty-four, and I certainly don’t act it, so I felt cheated to some extent. A feeling that I was missing out on realms of possibilities due to a restriction that bore no resemblance to my identity. But I wasn’t going to lie – it would defeat the point of really getting what I wanted. To accompany my real age, I put up some un-filtered shots of me and a brief intro, which, if I was paraphrasing, might read: “I am not really sure what I am doing – help!”  

The matches came thick and fast, I was flattered, humbled almost – it seemed that being honest had its benefits after all – far from missing out on opportunities, I was creating them. Single men, single women, couples – it really didn’t matter to me, it was all part of the process of exploration.  The site advocated women leading, it was respectful – giving people a platform and the freedom to truly be themselves. I was making friends with some interesting, respectful and intelligent people. I was struck by how easy the conversations flowed compared to the ‘real world’. People were here for a reason, they knew what they wanted, why they wanted it and were not afraid to express. We talked about the mundane: our jobs, our hobbies, our credentials – swiftly moving to our sexual experiences, our desires and sharing terminology and insight into a world that unfortunately is still so misunderstood. Sex parties and kinks are still largely synonymous with perverts and weirdos, and if that is the case then there are far more people of this ilk than anyone could ever imagine walking amongst us. Whilst platforms like this are trying to change the rules of sexual empowerment, the truth is, in the year 2020, society still dictates the rules of sexual engagement and frowns upon the less ‘vanilla’ of us. Many of the people I spoke to talked about their two personalities, begging the question: is it really two personalities, or merely one personality that has not been allowed to flourish within modern societal norms and values? I wonder if there will become a day when rather than talking about our hobbies and interests down the pub, we can talk about the fact we had group sex last week and it was everything we had hoped, and more! Platforms like this are an incredible start at least.   

In terms of my own desires, I have many sexual fantasies that I have not yet fulfilled (party play, more experimental group sex, deeper BDSM), as well as a desire to own my femininity and celebrate it. But, whatever the fantasies and desires, I knew very early on what I wanted: a meaningful connection or two to play all of this out with.  A partner (s) that could become a trusted and respectful ‘playmate’ and friend. I wanted to push my limits and boundaries, but to do that it was important to me to connect with someone not only sexually, but mentally and emotionally too – it’s an important, life-affirming and personal experience and I wanted to share it with another like-minded human, whoever else we might bring into it and explore with further down the line. Not everyone feels they need this, that’s their prerogative, but for my exploration specifically, I felt it was needed in order to get to a deeper place of sexual fulfillment. Finding this person (or persons) remotely, virtually and in Lockdown was not going to be easy, but I was certainly going to try…whilst I am bi-curious, my preference was a man. One of each would have been perfect, although I was also interested in a couple.      

In terms of what I knew I did not want – well, predominantly, alpha-males sticking their throbbing and jarring cocks in my face after a minute of conversation – or asking to see my pussy before they had even asked my name! I blocked a lot of those! Ripped bodies didn’t do it for me either (too much ego) and of course, the strange stalker-types. I did have a connection track me down via social media and even tried to book my Airbnb apartment! There are always risks. 

Pretty quickly a myriad of people became a handful and it felt much easier to build some rapport. Most of my attention was focused on two couples, one woman and two single guys at the beginning.  That said, others who I had engaged in some conversation and titillation with at this point would still throw out the net to engage. I found rejecting these people hard and aimed to do it with maximum kindness. I am sure this was in some part due to my naivety, they probably didn’t care, and may even have expected it, but it did not sit well with me. Whilst other age groups may be very familiar with techniques such as ‘ghosting’ I did not want to fall short of my own standards. Equally, it felt lazy and faceless. We must use technology to our advantage and to my mind, use it to compliment human interactions, not to hide away from them. I suppose it was also as simple as “treat others as you wish to be treated”. No one likes rejection, and I certainly would not have liked to be rejected so abruptly, especially if there are images involved – leaving you feeling that you have not made the grade!  To that end, I took the time to put a handful of people ‘on hold’ as it were. To explain that I was talking to people that I felt were more lined up to my sexual preferences, and personality. It went down well, people got it and one guy stated that he was pleased I was honest, as opposed to his normal experience of simply being blanked.  Hilariously, I did get ghosted myself in the process  – I was asked to carry out a Dom/sub ‘task’ – I was to put rice down outside in the garden in a pile and kneel on it with my hands behind my head with nothing but my knickers on, for one full hour. In principle, it was titillating but I was not about to let my neighbours see that, they may have thought I had lost my mind and my garden is very overlooked, so I refused. I did not hear from them again, which begged the question if my intuition had served me well connecting with them in the first place? Equally, life for everyone carries on, and who knows what is going on behind the sexual façade, you must be realistic too.  

At this point, probably around week three of Lockdown, the time I had invested in my ‘sexual learning’ was serving me well, but my sex drive was going through the roof – the restrictions on my freedom was having a far greater impact than I had ever imagined – I even had to bring in a sexual therapist at one point! I had become slightly sex mad and I was able to start a sex chat at any time of day with anyone of the people I had ‘put on hold’ with the openness that this is all it was. I have never been on Tinder, nor have I been one for lots of casual sex, but this felt OK because we were not actually meeting, and I had no interest in doing so, it was just a mutually fulfilling orgasm. In terms of the connections I did want to meet, there was a distinct difference in my approach to them because I really did want to have sex with them – I was much more attentive – I listened, I learned, and I expressed. Soon, I was becoming a dab hand at being a good sub, Dom, as well as an all-round good sex-buddy. I was setting tasks and taking them: writing lines, writing on myself, withholding orgasms whilst watching porn. I was also dressing up and sending pictures, dancing naked and recording it, writing personalised erotica, sexting, watching films that got me excited, and pouring over erotic pictures. I was even sweetly asked to put on an outfit that I would wear for “our date “. Additionally, I was scanning the web for all things sex orientated and ordering toys and joining KK workshops.  It’s an investment of time that’s for sure, and some days I found it exhausting. I am a very giving person by nature, so I gave a lot, maybe too much of myself, and people took it often without giving back. That became a chore and a learning curve. 

Halfway through the experience, I also got some invites for sex during Lockdown and it would be untrue if I didn’t say I was smug! I had managed to turn-on and liberate people virtually, so I was feeling excited about meeting in person. I also got some of my creative outlets fulfilled – photography is my passion and I got one couple to write all of our fantasies over themselves and photograph them in position, right before they fucked. Apart from being highly erotic and a great turn-on for me (a beautiful 32-year old brunette with her derriere high in the air waiting for her lover to enter her), it was simply a beautiful piece of artwork in my hall.

I have not told anyone what I am doing, and that feels good – it is my journey of exploration after all, so I feel that I should do it alone. This makes the connections I have made much more attractive to me, it’s like a respected ‘club’ – a group of people that all have a mutual understanding and respect for one another, free from judgment and scrutiny, giving ourselves the time to be one personality until society has caught up. And as lockdown eases, and the world becomes more normalised, I feel proud that I have afforded myself this time and attention and taken the first all-important steps in a long journey.  I have certainly used Lockdown to my advantage – I am not sure that I would have got to the same level of expression had I not been restricted to this extent – Lockdown has forced me to understand myself further, as well as others. To engage with people on a more intensified level than I might have otherwise of done with all the trappings of a socially fulfilling life. It has also helped me to remember how incredible human interactions are and that sex is there to be enjoyed, to be fun, and to be non-restrictive – creating boundaries and limits as a unified partnership is a wonderful opportunity, for anyone, whatever the relationship. It can be hugely respectful and exciting, moreover, it is a privilege to connect with someone with no judgment and complete trust and expression.  But I suppose the all-important question is has it helped me take the plunge and go further?

For me, a most-resounding yes but firstly, I need to actually meet these people, and find out if the connections online can be realised in person – I have invested so much time and energy I would be disappointed if none of these came to fruition, going back to the start seems like a huge undertaking.  I started with forty-two matches and conversations, moving to twenty private conversations, which progressed to three potential meets. It seems the kink world is far more complex than regular dating sites, and a lot choosier!  The person I was in contact with the most during this experience, and arguably the person I am most looking forward to meeting said that this was “social experiment level foreplay” and I got the foreplay alright, a lot of it –  now I think it is now time to enjoy the sexual freedom I set out to get.  In some warped parallel world, I am almost grateful for Covid-19!! 

 

Kitten L’s next instalment will soon follow and we’re looking forward to sharing her onwards journey of sexual fulfilment!

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