I have had my fair share of sexual experiences, ranging from earth-shatteringly wonderful to downright abusive. I am lucky enough to have had more adventure than most having enjoyed some experiences with women, group sex and BDSM.
However, at the age of forty-four and with no family commitments, my desire to become totally sexually liberated became more of a priority to me, and lockdown proved to be an ideal opportunity. My instincts were to find my freedom by some other means!
My husband and I have always enjoyed a healthy sex life, but as the years passed by, I still felt that something was missing. It seems to me that one person cannot always fulfill all the needs of another, and why should they? I was finding it difficult to contain my desires and so I decided that I had no option but to talk it through with him. I imagined a glass of Malbec in hand, lots of knowing eye contact, the odd tear, and the kind of grown-up conversation you see in the movies; an open dialogue about the evolution of a partnership.
We talked openly and honestly about what I wanted and why. There were tears and an outpouring of indifference, but at the end, when two people’s values are not aligned the sad truth must be faced head-on. Life is too short – we all know that and yet many of us are all guilty of rarely actioning how we want to live it! At first, he tried to be a supportive husband, but it quickly waned, and support turned to anger, and then distance and disconnection. In the end, we agreed that I would go out on my own – the consequences of which I have yet to fully discover.
Finding myself oddly ‘single’ and living alone was strange, to say the least. Had I really done the right thing? Was it brave, or just selfish? I feared deeply that I had made a terrible mistake and that I was replacing love and companionship with sex, and whilst I believe that the two can co-exist it requires optimum strength from both parties; laying oneself bare from the very start.
But, unfortunately, more often than not, we can’t find the words for the people we love or to whom we are attracted. The human condition fills us with fear, fear of being judged or unloved for being ourselves. It rings so loudly in our hearts and minds that we can’t find our voice and so, on we plod into the amiable abyss. I was not prepared for that to be the case any longer. There were certainly days when self-doubt began to creep in, but on a positive, there was an incredible feeling of empowerment and assertiveness. I was living my life in the way that I wanted, with freedom and possibility. I was excited, and I was creating an authenticity that my 20’s and 30’s had not afforded me. It made me feel good.
My first port of call was joining Killing Kittens, a site of like-minded people.
I treated it much like homework. I was going to study hard – the people, the kinks, their preferences, as well as what it really means to be ‘sexually liberated’. If I was going to take a leap of faith and take this opportunity for myself, I was going make sure that I maximised it.
I decided to be completely open and honest from the start. I remember resisting the urge to lower my actual age when I set up my profile. I’ve been told I don’t look forty-four, and I certainly don’t act it, so I felt cheated to some extent. A feeling that I was missing out on realms of possibilities due to a restriction that bore no resemblance to my identity. But I wasn’t going to lie, as it would defeat the point of really getting what I wanted. To accompany my real age, I put up some un-filtered shots of me and a brief intro, which, if I was paraphrasing, might read: “I am not really sure what I am doing – help!”
The matches came thick and fast. I was flattered, humbled almost. It seemed that being honest had its benefits after all. Far from missing out on opportunities, I was creating them. I was making friends with some interesting, respectful and intelligent people. I was struck by how easily the conversations flowed compared to the ‘real world’. People were here for a reason, they knew what they wanted, why they wanted it and were not afraid to express those wants. We talked about the everyday, our jobs, our hobbies, before moving to our sexual experiences, our desires. It was a process of sharing terminology and insight into a world that unfortunately is still so misunderstood.
Sex parties and kinks are still largely synonymous with perverts and weirdos, and if that is the case then there are far more people of this ilk than anyone could ever imagine walking amongst us.
Whilst platforms like KK are trying to change the rules of sexual empowerment, the truth is, in the year 2020, society still dictates the rules of sexual engagement and frowns upon anyone who deviates from established norms.
Many of the people I spoke to talked about their two personalities, begging the question: is it really two personalities, or merely one personality that has not been allowed to flourish within modern societal norms and values? I wonder if there will become a day when rather than talking about our hobbies and interests down the pub, we can talk about the fact we had group sex last week and it was everything we had hoped, and more! Platforms like this are an incredible start at least.
In terms of my own desires, I have many sexual fantasies that I have not yet fulfilled (party play, more experimental group sex, deeper BDSM), as well as a desire to own my femininity and celebrate it. But, whatever the fantasies and desires, I knew very early on what I wanted: a meaningful connection or two to play all of this out with. A partner/s that could become a trusted and respectful ‘playmate’ and friend. I wanted to push my limits and boundaries, but to do that it was important to me to connect with someone not only sexually, but mentally and emotionally too.
Not everyone feels they need this, but for my exploration specifically, I felt it was needed in order to get to a deeper place of sexual fulfillment. Finding this person (or persons) remotely, virtually and in lockdown was not going to be easy, but I was certainly going to try…
At this point, probably around week three of lockdown, the time I had invested in my ‘sexual learning’ was serving me well, but my sex drive was going through the roof ! I had become slightly sex mad and I was able to start a sex chat at any time of day with anyone of the people I had been getting to know. I have never been on Tinder, nor have I been one for lots of casual sex, but this felt OK because we were not actually meeting, and I had no interest in doing so, it was just a mutually fulfilling orgasm. In terms of the connections I did want to meet, there was a distinct difference in my approach to them because I really did want to have sex with them – I was much more attentive – I listened, I learned, and I expressed. Soon, I was becoming a dab hand at being a good sub, Dom, as well as an all-round good sex-buddy.
I was setting tasks and taking them: writing lines, writing on myself, withholding orgasms whilst watching porn. I was also dressing up and sending pictures, dancing naked and recording it, writing personalised erotica, sexting, watching films that got me excited, and pouring over erotic pictures. I was even sweetly asked to put on an outfit that I would wear for “our date “. Additionally, I was scanning the web for all things sex orientated and ordering toys and joining KK workshops. It’s an investment of time that’s for sure, and some days I found it exhausting. I am a very giving person by nature, so I gave a lot, maybe too much of myself, and people took it often without giving back. That was all part of the learning curve.
I have not told anyone what I am doing, and that feels good – it is my journey of exploration after all, so I feel that I should do it alone.
This makes the connections I have made much more attractive to me. It’s like a respected ‘club’, a group of people that all have a mutual understanding and respect for one another, free from judgment and scrutiny.
As lockdown eases, and the world becomes more normal, I feel proud that I have afforded myself this time and attention and taken the first all-important steps in a long journey. I have certainly used lockdown to my advantage – I am not sure that I would have got to the same level of expression had I not been restricted to this extent. Lockdown has forced me to understand myself further, as well as others. To engage with people on a more intensified level than I might have otherwise of done with all the trappings of a socially fulfilling life. It has also helped me to remember how incredible human interactions are and that sex is there to be enjoyed, to be fun, and to be non-restrictive. Creating boundaries and limits as a unified partnership is a wonderful opportunity, for anyone, whatever the relationship. It can be hugely respectful and exciting, moreover, it is a privilege to connect with someone with no judgment and complete trust and expression.
But I suppose the all-important question is has it helped me take the plunge and go further?
For me, a most-resounding yes but firstly, I need to actually meet these people, and find out if the connections online can be realised in person. I have invested so much time and energy I would be disappointed if none of these came to fruition, going back to the start seems like a huge undertaking. I started with forty-two matches and conversations, moving to twenty private conversations, which progressed to three potential meets. It seems the kink world is far more complex than regular dating sites, and a lot choosier!
A massive thank you to this Kitten for chatting to us! We’re so glad KK has added a bit more excitement and freedom to your life. Why not join us at Killing Kittens and see what we can do for you?
Written by the Killing Kittens team.