A Guide to Foreplay Through the Eyes of a Tom

When it comes to foreplay, we men often get a pretty bad rap. I feel some of the ideas are sprouted so often that we have all come to believe them, but I also see that there is some truth to these rumours.

I’m David Chambers, a Dating & Intimacy Expert for Authentic Dating Series. I coach men to have great foreplay and run workshops teaching men the fine art of foreplay. And it is just that, an art. One of the first things as men we have to let go of, forget and get out of our minds is that foreplay is just an inconsequential gate we must pass through to get to the delicious platter of penetrative sex. Foreplay is an essential part of the main meal.

Male Arousal vs Female Arousal

Have you ever thought of the difference between male and female arousal? 

A 2013 study about sexual stimulation shows that men are more sexually aroused by visual stimuli, whereas many women felt “felt repulsed” at seeing images of pornography. 

It’s important to note that, for most men, the desire for sex and feelings of arousal usually come before any sexual activity, and thus, those feelings drive their search for actual sex. As men, we think about having sex, we get aroused, and then we go looking for it.

But for women, getting turned on is a lot more about touch and emotionally relevant sexual stimulation. 

A woman’s sexual feelings often arise from emotional reactions to their partner or romantic films, novels and even magazines. This leads to women taking a little longer to get aroused and ready for sex. And this is why foreplay, for those of us having sex with women, is so bloody important.

Foreplay gets us into a state where we are ready, emotionally, mentally and physically, for sex. One of the added benefits for men taking their time during foreplay is that it allows their arousal to build slowly. When his arousal builds gradually, he is much likelier to be able to control his sexual stamina.

Pre-foreplay tips

These are the types of foreplay tips that we all wished we had got in our boring sex education classes at school but never did!

Create a beautiful setting

You might be thinking: what has the setting got to do with foreplay? 

The scene we do anything in has a massive influence on the experiences we have in that place. 

For example, let’s talk football. We all know the difference between watching a game in a packed stadium versus watching it at the training ground with no one watching. It’s an entirely different experience.

When it comes to having excellent foreplay and sex, creating a warm, relaxing, and wonderful smelling setting is so important. 

I recommend playing relaxing music, lighting some candles, and covering everything that reminds you of work (like computers, TVs, and phones).

But also remember, if they’re not in the mood, don’t pressure them into being in the mood. Consent isn’t just sexy, it’s compulsory. If one of you isn’t feeling it, the outcome will never be as fulfilling for the both of you anyway. 

Start Slow

Through learning and teaching tantric practices, I’ve come to experience the beauty of slowing down and taking my time, even leading up to foreplay. 

So, fellow Toms, start with some slow sensual kissing and some sensual touch. This is before you even take off any clothes. It will allow your bodies to wake up to the sexual charge you are building slowly, and it also allows you to play with the sexual tension.

Try something new

This might sound pretty odd, but taking some time to meditate before getting down to it is a great foreplay tip. Meditation helps claim the mind and helps you become more present to each other and yourself. Being relaxed is known to help us enjoy sex way more. 

How long should foreplay last?

One of the most common questions I get asked by men is, “How long should foreplay last?”

The complicated answer is as long as you both desire, but the problem is, we hardly ever communicate how long we want to have foreplay for. 

My simple answer for men is that it should last at the very least 20 mins, but you should aim for around an hour. This is enough time for you both to build your arousal levels gradually to the point of being ready for sex.

What do you do in foreplay?

Be Present

I speak about being present so often, but it makes a massive difference in foreplay. It’s the single most transformative thing you can do to add more connection and passion to your sex life and, indeed, your foreplay.

As I said before, let go of the goal, be in the moment and be in the act of being with your partner. Be that spanking them, kissing them, choking them or holding them down. Be fully present with what is happening, and you will get so much more enjoyment from it.

Explore their Erogenous zones

Our masculine mindset often means that we want to go straight for the end goal, and in foreplay, that may mean going directly to the genitals. But there is no teasing or fun in that. Foreplay and sex are like a dance, not a linear journey.

What is far more enjoyable is exploring the lessor knows erotic areas of the body, some of the other erogenous zones. 

Some of the places that you want to be thinking about kissing, stroking, caressing and licking are the:

  • Opening of the nostrils
  • Outer thighs
  • Navel
  • Feet
  • Back of the hands and forearms
  • Bum
  • Ears
  • Inner thighs
  • Nape of the neck

Be creative! You can use any part of your body to touch theirs. You have far more at your disposal than just your hands.

Sensual massage

Learning some basic sensual touch or sensual massage techniques is a great way to help your Kitten to relax. 

You can find plenty of videos on YouTube, or attend one of the Tantric massage courses that my partner, Asa, and I run for Killing Kittens. 

Conscious touch

Conscious touch is the act of having your full attention and focus on the sensation you are feeling and the act of touching that person. And this isn’t the way that we usually touch each other. We typically are touching our partners while thinking of god knows what else… shopping lists, tomorrow’s plans or thinking about the next thing we want to do to them. 

Try putting your full attention on the sensation of touching their body, feel what their skin feels like, the temperature, the texture and the pressure that you are using. You will find that you notice new things about their body and new sensations in your own body.

Foreplay techniques for men

I know, as men, we want the “how” and the “what”. Here I will give you some great foreplay techniques for men that I have learnt over the years.

Nipple and breast foreplay

A woman’s nipples and breasts are one of her primary erogenous zones and are a very sensitive area. A mistake a lot of men make is just going straight at the breasts and nipples without warming them up properly. 

It’s far better to start caressing around the breasts and then work your way inwards slowly and softly, stroking around the breast gently with your fingertips or the back of your fingers. 

A top tip is to move your fingertips in small circles while working your way around the breast and towards the nipple. When you get to the areola, keep circulating without touching the nipple. And when you do get to the nipple, be super gentle and light with your touch. If you have done what I have said, she will be beautifully turned on.

By the way, I say you can do this with your fingertips or the back of your hand, but it also works just as well with your tongue, nose or even a feather.

Massage the area around her pussy

This has been a little secret I have been keeping to myself for a while now. The area around her pussy is mainly muscle and is often very tense. Massage this area with your thumbs and fingers. 

Even the areas around the clitoris, including the inner and outer labia, can be massaged between the index and thumbs. This is intensely pleasurable for so many women but something that most guys have no idea about or would never try. So, give it a go.

Circles around the clitoris 

When playing with the clitoris, it’s essential to remember that it has over 8000 nerve endings, meaning that it is a sensitive little thing. You don’t need to rub on it like you are eight years and are using a rubber to correct your school homework!

Try a simple foreplay technique that is to stroke around the visible part of the clitoris. Start with a feather-light touch, with slow circles around, but not on the clitoris. This will build a whole different sensation and pleasure for her, compared to the usual heavy rubbing that she is used to. 

Have fun exploring. 


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