Sex educator Lola Jean gives her top tips for having fun at sex parties.
Whether you’re a seasoned sex party pro or you’re gearing up to your first big (potential) bang, nerves before the big hurrah are very common – whether you come coupled or not. Your worries can span from what you’re going to wear (or not wear…) what you’re going to see, and whom you might meet. Above all, your concerns may likely revolve around if you’ll have a good time. While no one can ever guarantee you’ll enjoy any event or evening you step foot into, there are a few tools and mindsets that can help make this night a bit more interesting for you!
A sex party is more about the atmosphere created by the presence or acceptance of sex, more than the actual sex itself.
Sex Parties Aren’t All About Sex
First things first, think about what a good time means to you and what you’re hoping to experience at a sex party. Take away any notions of needing to have sex with one or more individuals to make a sex party feel ‘complete.’ The truth is: sex parties can be an intoxicating experience whether you end up getting frisky or not. Contrary to its moniker, a sex party is more about the atmosphere created by the presence or acceptance of sex, more than the actual sex itself. Instead of focusing your attention outwards or on others, and setting aims that need someone else to fulfil them, make new goals dependent upon yourself.
“I want to meet people I wouldn’t have otherwise met”
“I want to be more open about my own sexual interests and desires”
“I want to express myself freely in a welcoming space”
Having a goal isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s helpful to have in mind what you’re looking to experience. It is when these goals become outcome-oriented, that is when our experience or mood is contingent on a goal being achieved or not, that they can become vehicles for negativity. Having a specific outcome to achieve necessarily opens the door to that outcome not being achieved, which can feel like a failure as well as creating unnecessary consequences for others should they be involved.
A Sex Party Is Still A Party
Just because sex is on the table doesn’t mean that all social norms fall to the wayside. How you prefer to engage with others may influence the type of party you choose. How do you normally like to have fun at parties? Are you a social butterfly who enjoys conversation? More inclined to dance to whatever music is playing? Or are you a people watcher who likes to engage with others from a distance before jumping in? Stick to what makes you feel comfortable as you work to get to know others at the party.
It may help to have a familiar face or two, so take advantage of any group chats or pre-drinks the party offers prior to the event. Killing Kittens parties, for example, always have a group chat open for two weeks before any party so attendees can get to know each other, if they would like!
Questions To Ask Before Attending A Sex Party
What Do You Need To Feel Safe?
Whether it comes to having sex, feeling sexy, or simply existing in a space, we all have our own primary needs to be met before we can relax and engage with others. Figure out what you need to be in a position where you can interact within the space, what you need to feel sexy, and what is needed for you to want to have sex with someone. All of these experiences likely require something different. For instance:
This could be having a buddy or familiar face that can check in on you every now and again or it could be in relation to the communication from the venue or organization. Do you need to have an idea of what the venue may look like, what else is nearby, how you will travel to and from the party? Google and FAQ pages will be your friends here, as will emailing the event team or customer support if you have any questions unanswered.
Whether a certain outfit, activity, or even person makes you feel sexy, think about what it is that works for you and, if possible, incorporate that into your experience of the event. Equally, if you don’t want to feel sexy, but want to feel something else (maybe you’d rather relax and observe) that is also very welcome at most events. Certainly at KK, there is never any pressure to do anything or that you’re not comfortable with, with attendees welcome to watch, catch or play as they wish.
Conversation, intimacy, connection, good old fashion attraction. Understand what you need to feel safe to have sex with someone and don’t compromise on that just because you are at a sex party! Your needs may be different in a party environment than they are on a date, so give space for this to shift and morph over time as you learn about yourself.
It’s also absolutely fine to change your mind once you’re in the space, whether you came with an openness to sex and touching or not. Taking a moment to listen to your body, and see how you’re feeling, is an option that should always feel available to you, whether in a sex party environment or elsewhere.
What Does Open-Minded Really Mean?
A lot of folks use the term open-minded as a catch-all when what they may be looking for is sex-positive. Open-mindedness is not only related to the type of sexual experiences you may or may not have (that’s more where sex positivity comes in), but to the non-sexual ones as well. At a sex party going in with an open mind means being open to many different types of experiences, even if that experience is not what you had hoped or anticipated – like cuddling with someone new, having a wank by yourself, or chatting to a new platonic friend in a way completely unrelated to attraction or chemistry. Going in open-minded means you are not tying your experience or happiness to a specific outcome.
How Do I Talk To Other People?
The phrase “so is this your first time here?” or “have you been to one of these before” is the overused equivalent of “you up?” on text message. That being said, if it is your first party, don’t be afraid to tell people! If you like, you can try strolling up to a group of chatty people and say “Hi, my name is ____ and I am new here”, or be honest and tell them “This is my first sex party and I’m a little nervous. Would you like to chat?”
If you are feeling nervous, you’re not alone. Even if others aren’t new to these types of parties, they once had their first party too, and those nervy, excited, “what’s going to happen tonight?” feelings don’t just go away after your first party, either. Honesty can be endearing and explains those nerves that might be palpable to other guests in the room too.
Conversation at a sex party doesn’t have specific requirements. Not all lingo is dripping with sex and kink. Not every person you meet may be comfortable talking about this in their first breath either. Approach this as you would any party, then gauge if that person is comfortable talking about whatever topic you decide to venture into.
Top Tip: Bring A Toy
If you really want to get off at a sex party, take matters into your own hands…or bring your favourite robot. It can feel liberating to diddle yourself publicly, even if you’re not doing so in plain eyesight.
When choosing to have a wank at a sex party, find a location that feels comfortable for you and focus on your own experience. If you’re more of an exhibitionist you can plop yourself in a more central location where others can assist you with their eyesight, if they are consenting to do so. This does not necessarily mean you’re inviting others to join in physically, and this mutual respect of space and boundaries can be just as liberating as the pleasure itself. Only engage or watch others if you have their explicit consent.
BONUS: if you do end up meeting a person or people you’d like to play with, you can still use your toy with partners! For added fun ask them to take the reins while you lay back and enjoy.
What Happens If You Don’t Have Fun?
For every party I’ve left feeling on cloud nine, there’s another experience where I’ve left crying. That doesn’t mean a party was necessarily a success or failure as these emotions are simply indications of what areas to pay attention to. Like many other events, you’re not always going to have a fun time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn from the experience nor does it mean you can’t have fun at a sex party in the future! Did you have a bad time, or did you just not have your ‘ideal’ experience? Was there something specific that triggered you? What parts of the evening were difficult?
It may be that you can learn that you want to do things differently in future – that you want to set boundaries around the kind of play you’re happy with, for example. But it may also be that something happens that is not in your control. If another attendee at a party makes you uncomfortable, or is inappropriate in any way, it’s always worth bringing this up with the company running the event. Incidents and accidents can be dealt with most effectively on the night, so if you feel able, do report your experience to a member of staff at the party who can help resolve the issue.
KK is committed to improving the experience of all our members at our events, emailing out our consent guidelines prior to all events. If told on the night, KK staff are able to identify members that do not respect our rules and guidelines, meaning appropriate actions (such as removal from the party, if not the community) can take place.
Sex parties are a wonderful place to get to know ourselves better. We are confronted with so much we may never have had access to! Maybe you learn that you need to bring a buddy to your next party or that you value smaller parties over larger ones. Perhaps it is the focus of the party that you can tinker with, finding one that is queerer, kinkier, or even music focused. Not every party is for every person, but that’s for you to figure out!
And why not figure that out at one of the many KK parties. Which one is for you?
Lola Jean is a Sex Educator, Mental Health Professional, Wrestler, Pro Domme and World Record Holder for Volume Squirting (solo.) providing the No Frills Sex Education we both need and deserve. Lola brings a refreshing understanding to sex, sexuality and kink to push individuals past what they think they are capable of. There is so much we are not exploring due to fear. Fear of how society will view us. How our partners will view us. How our peers will view us. Lola helps individuals stop making excuses and unlock who they are and what they deserve.