Ralph Greco, Jr. talks us through the do’s and don’ts of bringing those dark and dirty fantasies out into the open
The irony isn’t lost on most of us. The deeper we grow in our intimacy with our romantic partners, the more we come to trust them and want to share our most secret sexual desires. But in revealing our deep, dark, and maybe even slightly disturbing fantasy to our lovers, we risk losing them if they come to think our need is just too odd, off-putting, or far from their comfort zone.
What’s one to do?
Don’t Be Scared By What You’re Thinking
We human animals have very intricate brain-wiring. None of us should ever be surprised at the thoughts that might flitter across our minds at any given moment. Especially when it comes to sex, plenty of ideas could percolate that might be wildly different from the sex we’ve had in our life or even the sex we consciously seek.
We need to go easy on ourselves and realize that it’s perfectly normal if even the most downright filthy idea comes playing across our minds. If you flicked your mouse across the keywords of your deepest fantasy, you’d find a bunch of folks wanting the same thing.
We do not have it in us to stop our subconscious from firing fully-fledged in our dreams. Nor should we.
And consider this; whatever you are thinking, even if utterly remote from your experience and a genuinely unnerving fantasy, your lover is probably coddling a few of their own little triple X-Rated mind movies themselves.
Who knows – they might even be thinking about something naughty right now…
Coming Clean With What You Want
Sex therapist, author, and podcaster Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey offers this advice on first approaching your lover with your fantasy: “One way to introduce your fantasy softly is to find a piece of erotica that reflects the fantasy and give it to the person to read, telling them you found it interesting and see what they think.”
What’s fun about this approach is that it takes the onus off of you having to articulate your deep, dark, and gooey sexual secret. Indeed, becoming tongue-tied, red-faced, and hesitant is often the order of the day when trying to admit a fantasy out loud. This exercise also might prompt your lover to give you what you want, maybe taking a spin through the pages of that book to pick out a few passages they might like to try.
But whether you proceed with a bit of literary tease or moan the details of your fantasy while making out over a good bottle of wine, the key here is, as it is for all we do with our partner: communicate.
We could grow long in the tooth waiting for our lover to intuit what we want, from the clues we drop or physical gestures. Sure, the closer couples become, the more they can ‘read’ each other. But for that real naughty fantasy that’s locked well behind the fire-door of your mind, stuff you might actually fear a little bit, you might have to sit down across from your person and say, “Look, what I really want tonight is for you to…” Sure, you may have fantasized for a very long time about wanting to have the curtains thrown open so you can be exposed to the entire cul-de-sac, but you can’t just assume your lover can read your mind about how neighbourly you want to be.
Again: communication is key.
Great (and not so great) Expectations
There will come many instances where just talking about your fantasy (or sharing that passage in a book) will indeed bring a tickle you know where. So many couples have enjoyed smouldering foreplay by just speaking the details of their naughtiest thoughts aloud. And there are plenty of instances where you’ll find even more arousal in taking the first few steps in making a fantasy real; slipping into the plaid school-girl skirt, shopping for the riding crop, determining just what chocolate sauce tastes best.
Then, of course, there are the many magical nights you might find yourself engaging in your fantasy.
But don’t be put off when things do not go as you envision.
As Dr. Lori points out, this is especially true for a “fantasy that is long-standing.”
The more time a fantasy has been brewing in your noggin’, the longer you’ve enjoyed it perfectly rendered. It’s genuinely the very best porn clip you’ve ever seen; pristine, featuring the best lighting, the most imaginative camera angles, everyone saying and doing exactly what you want. This imagined scenario you’ve run over and over in your head never has anybody running off to the bathroom, no naked body part ever rubs up against another and gets chafed, and every single moment of action and dialogue goes off even better than if Spielberg had directed the scene himself.
But all too often, we find a great chasm between our expectations and reality.
There is a world of difference between fantasizing about a right ping-pong paddle spanking and finally feeling the solid sting of wood meeting your ripe and ready derrière. The idea of role-playing might have fired many of your solo one-handed romantic nights, but hearing your lover speak in baby talk or fitting into that latex girdle might put you off in the here and now (not to mention the realities of realising that latex in a heatwave may be much too hot to wear). The cold hard truth we all get splashed with when making our fantasies into our realities is that we never know how things will go until we are ‘going.’
Don’t fret, though. You might just need to back off the action and approach it from another angle (it just might be easier to balance on the two-inch pair of heels instead of the five). Discuss what’s working for you…and what isn’t. And don’t be surprised if your partner airs some awkwardness as well. This is all new to you two, even if you have tried this particular kink/fetish/scenario with some previous lover.
This last point is especially significant when it comes to your expectations. You might indeed have tried this particular fantasy with somebody in the past or at least a variation on the theme. But in your rush to secure your present lover into a chastity device or lay yourself down as the table for naked sushi, don’t forget that no matter how experienced and amiable for this particular sexcapade you and they might be, when you come to this fantasy, things will flow in a unique way.
Even the most precisely positioned fantasy is coloured by the people playing it.
Again, communication is essential here. If things don’t progress ideally, especially the first time out of the gate, don’t just throw the baby out with the bathwater or the cat o’ nine tails with the nun’s habit. Instead, realize that what you had been nestling in your mind might need a few tweaks to get right and possibly some discussion with your partner to make things fit their personality and your shared approach.
Now That The Cat Is Out Of The Leather Valise
Many of us fear not just speaking aloud what has been brewing in our XXX brain theatre, but that we can’t go back once we admit it or do it. Pandora’s Box has been split open. We can’t un-ring the bell. Our lover now knows something about us they didn’t before and will forever see us in the blush of a new light. Now that we have been across their knee mewing, “Please, I’ve been such a bad girl, spank me, so I learn my lesson,” will the one person in the world we feel safest and most open with look at us differently?
Or even not want to look at us again?
Sure, this is the risk we take. But we are taking risks every time we open our hearts, minds, and emotions to another person. Our relationships are susceptible to the ebb and flow of circumstances beyond our control as much as the rises and fall of our moods, fears, pasts, and prejudices. And the moods, fears, pasts, and prejudices of our partner(s). In the end, all any of us can be is ourselves, and offer solid, healthy communication to our partner that we can only hope we will get in return. Exploring fantasies with a lover is one of the very best aspects of having sex with another person.
And it certainly keeps the cardio flowing.