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Killing Kittens

KK Chats: A Kitten

A Kitten takes us through her journey of self-exploration: what led her to KK, and what the KK world has meant for her, and her sense of sexual freedom
by KK
9 Aug 2017

UPDATED: 8 Aug 2022

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED: 9 Aug 2017

Each Kitten has a unique journey that leads them to Killing Kittens. We at KK like to celebrate these sexplorations. It is not always an easy or comfortable ride, with each Kitten having to overcome their own personal obstacles. One Kitten (she/her) tells us of her journey, the hurdles she has had to conquer, and of her newly-found inner lioness!

At Killing Kittens, everyone apart from cis-gender men is welcome to identify as a Kitten. This includes cis-gender women, trans people of all genders, non-binary people, gender non-conforming people, gender expansive and gender fluid people, as just a few examples! The identity of Kitten (or Guest, for cis-gender men) does not need to be a part of our members’ identities beyond how they function for the purposes of our events. However, we know many Kittens for whom their Kitten identity has become an integral part of who they are, which we love.

Our Kitten’s Story

I grew up in a very conservative, religious home. My father was a strict disciplinarian, an autocratic and chauvinistic man that believed in gender-specific roles. As far as he was concerned, women stayed home, made babies, and took care of their men. Men went out to work to support the family, and ruled the home.

My feelings on all of this were ‘bullshit’, but there was nothing I could do as long as I lived at home with my parents.

From a very early age, books were a much-needed form of escapism of my family environment, so I read prolifically.

I started reading erotica in my late teens. You can imagine what a revelation this was for me, having been brought up in a ‘thou shalt not…’ environment.

I’d always been very shy around guys. Growing up, we were not allowed boyfriends, premarital sex was completely stigmatised, and I was quite introverted. I dated some lovely guys throughout my 20s but always seemed to struggle with embracing my sexuality.

Moving to London

I moved to London when I turned 30 and thought, “Finally—newfound sexual freedom! Nobody knows me here, and I can do what I want!”

This was not to be, as moving to London brought its own set of complications: culture shock, loneliness, and lack of family support. I decided to focus all my energies on my career and did very well for myself. However, in my mid-30s, I started suffering career burnout and lost all interest in sex. I gained weight and became ill and depressed.

One day, at age 37, I woke up and decided enough was enough; I found a new job, quit my old one, and in between, went travelling for a few months. When I arrived back in England, I checked into a fitness boot camp for a week, and it changed my entire perspective on life.

I realised I was relatively young and in the prime of my life and that it was completely possible for me to be in a healthy sexual relationship, or at the very least, to be having sex regularly.

Life turned upside down

With my newfound energy and enthusiasm for life, I was ready to move on to the next experience. It was then, cruelly, that I suffered a major setback. I was diagnosed with early-stage cervical cancer at the start of 2016.

My diagnosis turned life upside down again, and I had to face the reality of my sexuality potentially being impacted by this disease. I was terrified. Luckily, I got referred to the Royal Marsden, where one of the best oncologists in the country performed a trachelectomy surgery.

There were a few months of recovery, with my experience leaving a little physical impact on my body. I saw a therapist as well, and by October 2016, I was back to my normal self, ready to give my newly recovered body a trial run.

I joined a dating site, but I wasn’t interested in a relationship; I wanted to have sex—as much as possible with as many people as possible. I wanted to make up for a decade of not having embraced my femininity and sexuality!

…except that I couldn’t connect with any guys because I was too shy and introverted; sadly, the dates went nowhere. Then one evening during October last year, I started chatting with a guy and had a really good time doing so. We decided to meet for a date; it went well, we hit it off, and I took him home. I still date him casually. He’s been instrumental in encouraging me to explore myself.

Finding Killing Kittens

He mentioned KK to me on one of our dates, as he’d been to a party and seemed excited about it. I remember asking ‘what was it like’ and his only response was ‘various permutations of people enjoying themselves’—no other details.

I’m an intensely curious person, and having watched ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ had always wanted to go to a party like that! So I decided to register an account, explore for myself, and see what KK was all about.

When I explored the site, it was a total revelation! My first week was overwhelming as I decided to be very upfront about what I was looking for in as clear terms as possible.

I was overwhelmed with responses. Finally, it became a bit too much, so I decided to amend my profile. The response rate dropped, but I started to get more attention from interesting, like-minded people. I wasn’t just interested in dating but also in exploring my sexuality in other ways. The parties seem a good option for a novice like me to meet other like-minded people in a safe, comfortable environment. I booked my first party.

I knew that there would need to be a ‘first time’, and I wanted to get it behind me; all I wanted was to know what to expect for subsequent parties.

I found the first one that appealed to me as a single woman and booked it before I had time to change my mind. Of course, I didn’t know anyone else who’d be going, but that was ok. I might be an introvert, but I’m no shrinking violet.

The first party

Someone on the KK forums set up a chat group for people going to that specific party, and I joined it. They all decided to meet for drinks beforehand, but I declined. I wanted to go to the party with no preconceived ideas of what it might be like.

Before the party, I felt incredibly nervous but very excited. I’m a bit of an overthinker, and whilst I have a healthy sexual appetite, I’m also very shy and introverted, so this presented a challenge.

Once I arrived, though, I was instantly put at ease and made to feel very welcome. It started on the elevator ride up with a handsome young gentleman. He made polite conversation and asked if I was going to the KK party. He could tell straight away that it was my first time and told me that I would be just fine and that I looked gorgeous.

He was very respectful, kept his distance, and wished me a good evening when we entered the apartment. Brian, one of the hosts manning the entrance, was amazing! Both him and Kamila made me feel very welcome, explained the details I needed to know, and ensured that I was aware they were available for any questions or issues.

The atmosphere was different to what I had expected. I had imagined more of a party atmosphere with music, dancing; it was all very subdued. Instead, the energy in the room felt electrically charged, and people were scoping each other out.

Later in the evening, as things progressed, people started making their way toward the playrooms. Personally, I spent a fair amount of time at the bar chatting with the bartender, who also did a lot to make me feel comfortable and at ease.

Everyone was very friendly and polite, and I was never made to feel uncomfortable in any way. We were all there for the same thing—to explore ourselves and have like-minded fun in a safe, discreet environment. I ended up having an interesting experience with a very passionate young gentleman.

The KK future

I started out shy and nervous, but after a few drinks, I managed to loosen up and ended up having a lot of fun. I’m really happy that I was brave enough to do it, and will probably be a lot less nervous next time, now that I have a better idea of what to expect.

I want to explore more events, I would love to attend a Kabaret, a Silvers and one of the Hampshire events too. I’ve added both of these to my sexual exploration fucket list. I’m not overly sure about Hedonism yet. I’m a bit body conscious and not much of an exhibitionist—but who knows? Perhaps I’ll give it a try.

I’m a feminist and, considering how I was raised, the idea of sexual empowerment and liberation appeals to me immensely. My view is that there is still a vague sense of general societal disdain at the idea of a modern woman taking charge of her own sexuality, but I have a sense that this is changing.

For me, it’s just begun, and I’m very excited about it!

A massive thank you to this Kitten for chatting to us! We’re so glad KK has added a bit more excitement and freedom to your life. Why not join us at Killing Kittens and see what we can do for you?