You might even be in a polyamorous relationship but still don’t fully understand the finer details or how to make it work best. All of these things are okay – and we’re here to clear up some things no matter why you want these answers.
What Is a Polyamorous Relationship?
Before we dig into the subject, it’s essential to understand the basics. The most basic polyamorous relationship definition is a romantic and/or relationship with more than one person at a time. In this type of arrangement, all parties are consenting adults and aware of the arrangement.
If you have more than one lover, each person involved must be explicitly informed. They must also be able to agree to what they’re involved in for it to qualify as ethical, or consenting polyamory. Anything else is infidelity, plain and simple.
Polyamory doesn’t have a whole lot of limits, which is the point for many polyamorous people. However, informed consent and explicit communication are some base qualifications for any polyamorous relationship. Aside from that, a polyamorous relationship meaning can be quite flexible.
Myth 1: Polyamory and Bigamy Are the Same Things
Bigamy involves legal unions between multiple people, such as a marriage license. The legality of this varies across the world. It is illegal throughout the United States, and in the UK, for instance; however, Utah in the US has some ambiguous laws regarding the act.
Polyamory is not illegal, but sometimes local laws can make a polyamorous relationship difficult, especially if you want to cohabit in your polyamorous structure, for instance.
Myth 2: There Are no Rules in Polyamory
Polyamorous relationship rules can be puzzling, and if you’re new to polyamory, you might feel like a lot of rules are being imposed on you – and they’re all about not controlling other people. It’s a little confusing, right? That makes it all the more important to understand the finer points of polyamory “rules”, which will vary from person to person and arrangement to arrangement.
“Don’t ask, don’t tell” is a popular philosophy in a polyamorous arrangement. Of course, this only applies after everyone is on board with opening up the relationship. Not asking too many questions is not a hard and fast rule, but it is something that might be expected of everyone involved.
A strict rule which absolutely does exist is to stay safe. If you’re part of a polyamorous relationship, you should always use adequate protection. Protection is also the only true demand you can place upon others involved in the relationship. Safe sex is always something you can insist upon.
Another big no-no in polyamory is jealousy and possessiveness. And let’s be honest – if you struggle with this already, you might not be ready for polyamory yet.
If two people are in a polyamorous relationship with the same one other person, then everyone should be able to live peacefully with this situation. Not everyone has to like or love everyone else. In fact, it can be a typical arrangement in this situation for the two people who are both dating the same third person to never interact with each other at all. As long as they are aware of each other’s existence, they don’t necessarily need to meet or interact. It’s all about the fulfilling and consensual relationship they separately have with the person who is dating both of them.
Myth 3: Polyamory Involves Living Together
Many polyamorous people live alone and prefer to conduct their relationships without living under the same roof. Other relationships work amazingly with everyone living together, or with some people living together. It depends on the unique situation, and each polyamorous relationship will be different.
Polyamorous relationship types influence whether or not cohabitation is wise or viable. While there are too many combinations to cover them all, there are some common types that can give you an idea of how living together isn’t always the way to go.
Primary partners, for example, often live together. If you’re a primary partner, it means your partner considers you their number one companion. This is not always about an emotional hierarchy, either. It can be more to do with practicalities of living: primary partners will often share household costs, if they live with one another.
If you’re a secondary partner it doesn’t mean there’s any less commitment involved. It just means that in general, you and your partner’s lives aren’t as interconnected, and things like living together aren’t necessarily a part of the relationship.
A “V” relationship is a frequently seen one in polyamory. The letter represents the primary and secondary partner connected by the partner they share, or the “hinge.” The two partners are only connected by this common partner and sometimes never even see each other.
Myth 4: You Have to Be Polyamorous to Be Part of a Poly Relationship
What does a polyamorous relationship mean if you only want to be with one person?
This is a confusing aspect of polyamory, and understandably so. Do you have to be polyamorous yourself to be part of a poly relationship – does getting into one automatically make you poly?
Polyamory is about not putting hard rules on things, so the simple answer is yes – you can be a monogamous person yourself while in a poly relationship. This would mean you’re in a monogamous relationship with a polyamorous person without having other relationships yourself.
The reality is that this is rather uncommon because most monogamous people prefer it to be monogamous all around. It is, however, one of the many possibilities of a polyamorous relationship.
Myth 5: It’s Impossible to Go from Monogamy to Polyamory
The key to opening up your relationship, or exploring polyamory, lies in keeping the lines of communications open, and setting up healthy and fair boundaries.
To transition into a poly relationship, the best way to start is to talk. Get an understanding of each party’s needs and motives.
While rules aren’t always the best way to go, boundaries are completely acceptable, especially in the beginning. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to change the dynamic to polyamory, you can’t expect the other party to be able to dive in head-first. Slow steps and easing into things is essential.
You also have to be prepared for your significant other to decide this isn’t for them and walk out at any time. Trying to manipulate them into staying in a situation that doesn’t work for them is toxic and selfish. If you’re at the receiving end of this, you don’t have to stick around just to make someone else happy.
What if you’re already single and looking to try out polyamory?
Things might be significantly easier when you don’t have to get someone else on board. You can find a polyamorous relationship with a person who already understands and agrees with the dynamic of poly relationships.
Myth 6: Polyamory Works For Everyone Who Tries It
Polyamory can work great for some, and terribly for others. It all comes down to individual values, beliefs, and needs.
So if you find yourself thinking, “my husband wants a polyamorous relationship, and I’m not so sure,” remember that this is a situation that cannot be forced if it is to work.
It might sound like you’re left with no choice if the person you love gives you two options: get on board with this or be single. Sometimes, it does reach that ultimatum. If you don’t honestly believe you can be happy in a poly relationship, it might be best to walk away.
What about open relationships? Do those work any better or worse?
A polyamorous relationship vs. open relationship has one potential big difference. Polyamory often involves more than one romantic relationship (polyamory literally means many or multiple loves). An open relationship is typically when two partners seek purely sexual interactions outside of their relationship.
This is also something that can work for many but is a fiasco for others. Like polyamory, it requires vast amounts of communication, trust, and some basic ground rules.
Things to Consider
You can define a polyamorous relationship as romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. It can mean three people in a relationship with each other, one person dating four different people, or four people all involved together. Those are just a few examples of polyamorous relationships.
Weighing the pros and cons of a polyamorous relationship is an important task before you explore the possibilities of such an arrangement. There is no trick for how to make a polyamorous relationship work. Being honest, open, and respectful are all important prerequisites.
Most importantly of all, it can’t be forced. Trying to push someone – or even yourself – into a poly relationship doesn’t work.
Written by the Killing Kittens team.