What is a safeword and why should everyone have one?
Don’t worry. We are not talking secret codes, 007, Bletchley Park, enigma machines but rather or more correctly a safeword. What they are and why you should be using them.
When we started attending parties and lifestyle events a few years ago we met a bunch of more experienced couples who were very helpful to us “Newbies”. They suggested we adopt a safe word which we could use if we were uncomfortable with any situation.
I must admit that I did view this with some scepticism. Why would we need a safeword? What’s wrong with just saying no? Surely we would know our limits and boundaries having already discussed what we are comfortable with? The KK Konduct code is quite clear. No means No. This rule of engagement works well but sometimes in the “heat of play” boundaries may be crossed and we want to make sure everyone is safe and comfortable at all times.
The definitions of play do tend to ignore the importance of play as a learning experience. We may be comfortable within our own set limits but we’ll inevitably explore and push our pre-conceived ideas and boundaries. Is that not part of the excitement?
We’ve been together as a couple for many years and know each other very well. We have discussed our own limits but also readily appreciate how situations may change during play. When we’re playing together we communicate with each other. I don’t mean we discuss the latest Brexit situation or the Euro to dollar exchange rate but we do check that we are ok with the direction our play is taking. You may also be able to check with your playmates during play but inevitably situations will arise and boundaries may well be crossed. Time to use your safe word.
When should I use a safeword?
Your safe word is to be used in “emergencies”. Not because you are bored and simply fancy a drink at the bar with your partner or friends, or that you are worried that you will miss the last bus home. Use of the safe word means you need to withdraw immediately from the situation you find yourselves in. Find someplace away from the action.
You may choose to discuss what has happened there and then and maybe return to play. You may feel that you would rather discuss things later on your return home. Whatever works for you. But you really do need to have that discussion. Communication is key.
So when you arrive at the party just take a moment to reflect outside that big door. Check with each other that you are both ready to party and also use this time to share your safe word again. For those of us with rubbish memory, this serves to remind us of what word we had originally agreed on but more importantly, it gives each of you “permission” to use your word if you feel the need and also that your partner will listen and take the appropriate action.
The big door opens. Step inside and kk party the night away…….
What are some good safewords?
There isn’t a magic formula for creating a safe word. You just need something that is clear and easy to remember. Need some inspiration? Here are a few of the most common ones.
Silver Tom Dr. Mark started his medical career as a General Practitioner and relationship therapist. He moved back into acute hospital medicine where he works as a senior consultant. He has been with his life partner Silver Kitten Dr Y for over 35 years and now their three children have left home they are enjoying exploring alternative lifestyles.