The typical motivators and fantasies of submission can be divided into 4 main categories:
- Shame-Based – sexualizing shame or stigma mentally or physically
- Objectification – image-based sexualization or physical acts
- Service-Oriented – someone who thrives off of validation, following rules, knowing what is expected of them, and/or making others happy
- Brat / Fight for Top – an individual who requires a specific tension and dynamic for varying reasons. They can be looked at as a puzzle or a fun challenge. Not necessarily to be “tamed” but perhaps to be allowed to run wild and free within a contained non-physical space.
Why do people enjoy being dominated?
Domination is a place where we have mental permission to behave in ways in which we’ve never imagined, in ways we’ve dreamed of, or in ways we feared.
BDSM is a playspace for adults.
It’s a game with a defined set of rules, objectives, and players with a beginning and an end (unless we’re talking about 24/7 relationships, but this is a small minority).
While many may identify the desire to submit with a desire to feel out of control – due to demanding jobs, etc. – many thrive off the element of control itself, enjoying the instructions and boundaries that submission allows.
It’s important not to assume motivations about your submissive.
Many wrongfully assume that a Brat will act out because they enjoy and seek punishment. However, the Brat* may be motivated by the playfulness disobedience provides or the attention it brings them.
Whatever the reason, you, as the Dom/me, need to know it.
*an individual who acts out or purposefully disobeys their Dom/me.
How To Implement Sexual Dominance In Public
The critical question here is: how ‘out’ does your submissive want to be in public?
You must also consider whether behaving as a Dom/Sub in public is on their ‘yes’ list.
If not, don’t force it.
It means that your Sub wants to keep your relationship dynamic private and secluded.
Wherever your sub is on the ‘out’ scale, there’s still so much fun you can have regardless of your public-facing desires.
Small gestures between the two of you can be an excellent way to cultivate intimacy in public. Your submissive can wear a particular outfit or undergarments you picked out for them, perhaps being a little secret that you share. You can develop subtle ways of exploring your D/s dynamic in public, for instance by telling them before you meet or leave the house together that you want them to sit a certain way, or by giving them a phrase that the need to say back to you when given a specific cue.
Remember that D/s dynamics are not all about dungeons and danger! It can be fun, or even silly, especially if your sub is into feeling embarrassed. Experiment, explore, and always always communicate.
Part three of Lola’s exploration of dominance takes a look at various Dom styles and common mistakes. Missed Part One? Check it out here!
Lola Jean is a Sex Educator, Mental Health Professional, Wrestler, Pro Domme and World Record Holder for Volume Squirting (solo.) providing the No Frills Sex Education we both need and deserve. Lola brings a refreshing understanding to sex, sexuality and kink to push individuals past what they think they are capable of. There is so much we are not exploring due to fear. Fear of how society will view us. How our partners will view us. How our peers will view us. Lola helps individuals stop making excuses and unlock who they are and what they deserve.