Part two of Ralph Greco Jr.’s deep dive into all things orgasm denial, this piece looks at playing with a partner. Read part one here.
Having learned how to control and implement denial of orgasm and having discovered some of the benefits of this play, you might be ready to experiment with your lover(s). Of course, with anything new introduced to sexual partners, a healthy amount of discussion is necessary. Communication and consent are crucial here. In some cases, you might discover that just talking about orgasm denial can even be the most satisfying form of play in itself.
This begs the question: how does one even introduce the idea of orgasm denial to their lover(s)?
Denial As A Reality
Fantasizing about orgasm denial and making it an actuality on your own are two different experiences! Involving another person(s) into either the fantasy or the reality can then be a whole different dynamic again. Revealing sexual fantasies to partner(s) can be very vulnerable, bringing up anxieties around judgement and rejection. But these conversations can also be the gateway to deepening intimacy and pleasure. So be brave, and if this feels scary or intimidating take stock of where those feelings might be coming from and know that they are perfectly valid. And if you need some helpful encouragement, maybe reading this article about sharing fantasies might help assuage some of those fears.
First, we must remember that, as with anything we might hope to engage someone else in, any partners are entitled to their own preferences and have a choice whether to engage in our fantasy with us or not. Orgasm denial is not something everyone wants to experience. We can never be assured that something which worked with one partner will work with another, or work in exactly the same way.
It’s important to establish a safeword and discernable boundaries before play, so that should either partner start to become distressed or uncomfortable, you can each call time on the activity and/or move into aftercare and conversation.
Potential Outcomes Of Partnered Orgasm Denial
Many lovers find that deemphasizing orgasm while still giving and receiving sexual pleasure only increases that pleasure. As we learn when denying ourselves solo, embroiled in the tease and ramp-up, and the ultimate denial of climax, we can often become more focused and present in the moment and the experience. Why wouldn’t this be so with a lover(s)? This might just increase the enjoyment of our intimate encounters by making us more present to touch and sensation as well as exploring emotions such as frustration, anticipation and yearning.
For some people who experience premature ejaculation, they may find that orgasm denial helps better temper their all-too-quick-on-the-draw-ness in sexual encounters with a partner(s). Many report an increase in the intensity of climaxes (and the ability to reach more than one where before they couldn’t) if cyclically denied over the course of play.
You may find that orgasm denial becomes a sexual raison d’être, or at least a core part of your play, whether you enjoy the power dynamic, the psychological depths, or of course both these things, that orgasm denial can provide
Other Things To Consider With Orgasm Denial
There really isn’t any evidence to show that denial of anyone’s climax presents a health risk. There are psychological concerns to weigh, though, when engaging with orgasm denial with a partner(s).
In any kind of teasing, one person normally has more power or control. Orgasm denial takes this teasing to a place, where the denied partner is giving up intimate control to the denying partner. For lovers experiencing any kind of trust issues, this kind of interaction and powerplay is not recommended as there needs to be a base level of trust between partners before any power exchange can safely take place.
For some, playing with orgasm denial could cause some heretofore unrealized sexual tendencies to rush forward to centre stage. Unexpected thoughts might come up, emotions might flare and in some instances, trauma might resurface. All of which can be helpful realisations in their relationship with each other or themselves.
While there are plenty of playful scenarios where denial is used as a ‘punishment,’ it’s probably not the best idea for lovers to exploit orgasm denial as retribution for things happening outside the bedroom (unless, of course, this is part of an established and consensual dynamic). It’s also good to remember that denial doesn’t always mean the person denied doesn’t get to climax. Yes, this pursuit might ultimately mean no orgasm at all, but this again should be an aspect of the play that is articulated and agreed upon.
Your Lover, You, And Orgasm Denial
Any which way you tend to masturbate – be it with a vibrator, watching porn, humping a pillow, or all three – will work for purposes of denying or being denied by your partner. You just need to pay attention to the things that often arouse each other (and practice does make perfect, doesn’t it?) and act accordingly. Sure, you might have to regulate speed, pattern, and application when wanting to hold back your climax or that of your partner, but pretty much the same concepts apply when you or somebody else is at the helm.
It’s a good idea that partners not just rely on non-verbal reactions, especially for people new to this play. When someone else is playing with your arousal, or you are trying to determine how close your lover might be, establish verbal clues, or, if you’re playing with orgasm denial along with being gagged, you will want to establish clearly defined gestural and or auditory signals, such as shaking something rattly, or squeezing something that squeaks. This is so you can effectively communicate with one another to achieve the desired goal. As much as orgasm denial can be about handing control over to another lover(s), it’s super important to remember that all play is a constant dialogue. If the denied person doesn’t communicate when they’re close to orgasm, the denier cannot effectively deny them.
Establishing your cues and communication is all part of your pre-play set-up, which also needs to include a conversation about what the goal is and what your roles are in play: is the end goal an eventual orgasm? A ruined orgasm? Is this to humiliate the denied or reward them? Is the denied willingly undergoing denial or are they (consensually) unwilling, and giving pushback to the person doing the denying? This is all so important to establish. It may be an integral part of one person’s arousal to be able to say “no, stop, I hate this” and for the action to continue, whereas another person may prefer to engage in a different fantasy of not being worthy of orgasm and expressing gratitude for the denial. Equally, the person doing the denying may find one or other of these different scenarios more or less arousing, depending on what they enjoy. These are just two examples to show why communication is so important in play, and why it needs to be established before play begins. There are so many scenarios and fantasies that orgasm denial can be a part of!
Denying an orgasm requires careful listening and communication to ascertain where someone is in their arousal cycle. The occasional “Oh God” or an “I can’t take it anymore” will feed anyone’s ego, but it doesn’t tell us as much as “yes, that’s going to make me come” or “I’m so close”.
Having a colour-coded system or even relying on a one-through-five numbered scale is a good way to indicate where you or a lover is in their level of arousal. Spend some time in advance determining what the points on the scale mean to each individual partner, and how they apply to the particular activity they are being used for. This considered conversation can help to avoid confusion if a similar scale is being used both for proximity to orgasm and pain threshold, or something of the like. This way, when your person moans, “Yellow. Yellow.” you know what they are communicating and that you still have some time, as opposed to when you or they growl “Red!” or a hearty “Five!” You’ll know with the latter that you need to back off a bit if preventing an orgasm is what’s desired.
As you and your partner(s) discover the pleasure and the power of orgasm denial you might find yourself drawn towards incorporating the play into your everyday life, or including it in longer periods of time outside of the bedroom.
In Part 3, we explore this aspect of total, and sometimes prolonged, orgasm denial: Chastity.