Tantra offers a whole new (ancient) way of being in a sexual connection, that allows for deeper levels of feeling, sensation, and super pleasurable energy.
In this week’s blog dating and relationship coach and founder of Tailor Matched, Asa Baav explores four big lessons from Tantra to supercharge your sex life.
As a dating and relationship coach, I get asked about Tantra A LOT by my clients and friends. Let’s debunk some myths about what it isn’t, and share four of my favourite, practical ways to get started with tantric practices today.
Tantra, as we consider it in the West, is very different from the original ways it was practised. First up, it isn’t specifically about sex or sexual technique at all. With roots in ancient yogic, Hindu and Buddhist teachings, it’s actually about gaining spiritual enlightenment through embodiment practices (opposed to disembodiment in meditation for example).
Nowadays, Tantra offers us a different lens through which to view sex, intimacy and union, one that allows each person to create powerful erotic energy and become deeply sensitive to what they’re feeling. Anyone can try it and it’s really not as scary as it may seem!
How to have Tantric Sex
Four Lessons From Tantra To Improve Sexual Intimacy
1. Add sensual play
Adding tantra to your sex life may seem complicated at first, but it’s simply about heightening connection to your partner and being in the moment. One of the easiest ways to experience that is through playing with the senses…
Sight: Look at your partner’s lips, face, eyes. What do they look like to you? What about them makes you smile and feel turned-on? Keep your eyes open while kissing and see how that changes the experience, and step back to really take in their whole body with your eyes. Eye gazing with your partner without a goal or agenda is a beautiful experience helping you to deeply connect with your partner.
Scent: The most underrated of the senses when it comes to arousal, smell has enormous erotic power. Set the scene with scents of ylang ylang, rose, sandalwood, vanilla or peppermint and let the pheromones do the rest! When you’re really into someone, even the smell of their skin can drive you wild.
Taste: Since your senses of taste and smell are connected, try playing with different flavors to enhance your erotic experience. Favourites like strawberries, blueberries, chocolate or cream work well, but truly anything goes. Then get curious about what your partner’s skin really tastes like, slowing everything down to take it all in.
Touch: The lips aren’t the only erogenous zone on the face. Explore your partner’s lips, cheekbones, eyelids, and eyebrows with your hands, lips, tongue, and even eyelashes. Touching the jaw, lips, or chin while you’re kissing can also be a huge turn on. Experiment with soft, firm, or even rough touch as you’re kissing, and keep communicating about what you both like throughout.
Explore your partner’s body like it’s the first time you touch their skin. Practice doing light, long and slow strokes across their arms, chest, legs, back and neck. This lets you explore and learn about the erogenous zones and which ones they like in particular. Once you have caressed your partner’s body with your hands, try kissing them all over – this is a very intimate and beautiful way of connecting.
Sound: Mmmmm, is there anything hotter than the sound of your lover moaning in your ear? If you hold back from making sound while kissing, stroking, sucking and exploring each other’s bodies, can you allow yourself to breathe deeply and let out a sigh or two? Likewise, listen to the sounds your partner makes and ask them to tell you exactly what their sensations feel like.
2. Polarity = sexual tension
No matter our gender or sexual orientation, we all have masculine and feminine energies within us, and we feel most whole when we’re free to express them both however we wish.
We tend to have an energy we are more connected with, where we feel most at home. This doesn’t mean we live there all the time, but it is the place we return to when we want to recharge and it’s usually what we offer our lover sexually.
If you have more of a masculine energy, you prefer the structure of time and space over the wild chaos of existence. You enjoy pursuits that bring you towards emptiness, and activities that result in a blissful moment of nothingness. You enjoy creating schedules, objectives, and accomplishing goals.
If you have more of a feminine energy, you love the swirl of life, playfulness, nature, bliss, colour, texture, flavour, and communion. You love to collaborate, beautify, receive and adorn.
It’s actually the radical differences in these energies that create a strong arc of sexual polarity. So when one partner takes on the feminine expression and one takes on the more masculine expression these “poles” create sexual attraction (like magnets that can’t be pulled apart!).
In long term relationships, partners often become the same (we start to like the same things and do the same things) and, over time, the couple resonates rather than polarizes and hence has less sexual chemistry.
To up your sexual chemistry, play around with these polarities. Can you sink into your feminine by recharging yourself with relaxing activities before sex? Anything that helps you come out of the penetrating, masculine energy (that we’re often in while at work) and relax into receiving could be fun to play with.
3. Breathe deep for more sensation
Just as with yoga, in Tantra breath is considered life force energy and the vehicle to connection and bodily communication. To get in on the action, learn how to breathe into your belly, not just into your chest to bring energy into your lower body for more sensation in your genitals.
Try this method of belly breathing: Place your hands on your belly and as you take a full breath in through your nose feel your abdomen fill with air. Exhale slowly and with control to feel your belly return to normal. Repeat 5-10 times (and notice how relaxed you feel).
Take it a step further by visualising pushing the breath down through your pelvis, knees, and floor. Notice the sensations around your genitals (you may even start to feel aroused by just the breath).
Once you know how to breathe without constriction, bring belly breathing into the bedroom to practice with your partner. Simply synchronising your breath together before you even start to touch each other can create depth and incredible connection.
4. It’s not all about orgasm
If there’s any anxiety about orgasming too fast or not at all, Tantra’s focus on slow sensuality can really help sex become less pressured and more pleasurable.
At the heart of Tantra is the idea of creating sexual rituals that get you in the mood and help you connect with your partner.
First, set the scene by turning your phone off, dimming the lights, having a long, hot bath and creating a beautiful, relaxing environment.
Then you might like to explore the idea of “worshipping” or serving each other (again, think about the polarity of giving and receiving, dominating and surrendering etc). Build arousal with massage, feeding each other sensual foods, and synchronising your breathing.
While orgasms aren’t the goal, “tantric orgasms” are often referred to as transcendental experiences, because delaying orgasm often intensifies the experience (see more on edging here). Remaining in a high state of arousal can also help you experience energetic orgasms, or orgasms without ejaculating.
Slowing down the process and learning to relax into the moment removes the pressure to perform, helps build up desire and improved intimate communication. Win-win-win!
Asa Baav is founder of Tailor Matched, dating for the wild at heart. She’s on a mission to help people find the deep connection they crave. Find out more about matchmaking, coaching and events here: www.tailormatched.com
Hello, I’m Kitten E, Education & Content Manager here at KK. I’m passionate about educating people about sex in order to remove stigmas and judgment.