Tantra offers a whole new (ancient) way of being in a sexual connection that allows for deeper levels of feeling, sensation, and super pleasurable energy. In today’s tantric sex blog, dating and relationship coach and founder of Tailor Matched, Asa Baav, explores four big lessons from Tantra to supercharge your sex life.
As a dating and relationship coach, I get asked about Tantra A LOT by my clients and friends.
Let’s debunk some myths about what it isn’t and share four of my favourite, practical ways to engage with tantric practices today.
Tantra exists in a white Western European and American context in a very different form to the original ways it was practised. Firstly, it isn’t specifically about sex or sexual technique at all. With roots in ancient yogic, Hindu, and Buddhist teachings, it’s actually about gaining spiritual enlightenment through embodiment practices (as opposed to shifting the focus away from the body in meditation, for example).
Nowadays, Tantra offers us a different lens through which to view sex, intimacy and union, one that allows each person to create powerful erotic energy and become deeply sensitive to what they’re feeling. Anyone can try it, and it’s really not as scary as it may seem!
How to have Tantric Sex
If you’ve ever wondered ‘how does tantric sex work?’, here are four excellent lessons from Tantra we can all use to improve sexual intimacy:
1. Tantric Sensations
Adding Tantra to your sex life may seem complicated at first, but it’s simply about heightening the connection to your partner and being in the moment. One of the easiest ways to experience that is through playing with the senses.
Look at your partner’s lips, face, and eyes. What do they look like to you? What about them makes you smile and feel turned-on? Keep your eyes open while kissing and see how that changes the experience, and then step back to take in their whole body with your eyes.
Eye gazing with your partner/s without a goal or agenda is a beautiful experience to help you connect more deeply.
Scent is the most underrated of the senses when it comes to arousal, yet smell has enormous erotic power. Set the scene with scents of ylang-ylang, rose, sandalwood, vanilla or peppermint and let the pheromones do the rest! When you’re really into someone, even the smell of their skin can drive you wild.
Since your senses of taste and smell are connected, try playing with different flavours to enhance your erotic experience. Favourites like strawberries, blueberries, chocolate or cream work well, but truly, anything goes. Once you’ve explored those, you can get curious about what your partner’s skin really tastes like, slowing everything down to take it all in.
The lips aren’t the only erogenous zone on the face. Explore your partner’s lips, cheekbones, eyelids, and eyebrows with your hands, lips, tongue, and even eyelashes. Touching the jaw, lips, or chin with your fingertips while you’re kissing can also be a huge turn on. Experiment with soft, firm, or even rough touch as you’re kissing, and keep communicating about what you both like throughout.
Explore your partner’s body like it’s the first time you’re touching their skin. Practice doing light, long, and slow strokes across their arms, chest, legs, back, and neck. This lets you explore and learn about which erogenous zones they like to be touched in particular. Once you have caressed your partner’s body with your hands, try kissing them all over—this is a very intimate and beautiful way of connecting.
‘Mmmmm.’ Is there anything hotter than the sound of your lover moaning in your ear? If you find you hold back from making sound while kissing, stroking, sucking, and exploring each other’s bodies, can you allow yourself to breathe deeply and let out a sigh or two? Likewise, listen to the sounds your partner makes and ask them to tell you exactly what their sensations feel like.
2. Exploring Energies
No matter our gender or sexual orientation, we all have varying dynamic energies within us, and we feel our most whole when we’re free to express them in a way that feels authentic.
We tend to have energy we are more connected with, where we feel most at home. This doesn’t mean we live there all the time, but this might be the place we return to when we want to recharge. This can also sometimes be what we default to offering our lover sexually, or there might be an entirely different energy that feels more like home in specifically sexual contexts.
It’s often the radical differences in these energies that create a strong arc of sexual dynamism between partners. In long-term relationships, partners often become the same (we start to like the same things and do the same things) and, over time, the couple resonates rather than polarises, which in some cases can feel like a lessening of sexual chemistry.
To up your sexual chemistry, play around with these energies. If you find yourself normally driving things, it might be fun to explore a more submissive energy. Perhaps if you both take sex very seriously, it might help create a new dynamic if you add playful elements to your time together. Discover where your habits lie, and see what might work to create a different experience.
3. Breathe deep for more sensation
Just as with yoga, in Tantra breath is considered life force energy and the vehicle to connection and bodily communication. To get to grips with those strong tantric sensations, learn how to breathe into your belly, not just into your chest. This will help to bring energy into your lower body for more sensation in your genitals.
Try this method of belly breathing:
Place your hands on your belly, and as you take a full breath in through your nose, feel your abdomen fill with air. Exhale slowly and with control to feel your belly return to normal. Repeat 5–10 times (and notice how relaxed you feel).
Take it a step further by visualising pushing the breath down through your pelvis, knees, and floor. Notice the sensations around your genitals (you may even start to feel aroused by just the breath).
Once you know how to breathe without constriction, bring your tantric energy belly breathing into practice with your partner/s. Simply synchronising your breath together before you even start to touch each other can create depth and incredible connection.
4. It’s not all about orgasm
If there’s any anxiety about orgasming too fast or not at all, Tantra’s focus on slow sensuality can help sex become significantly less pressured and more pleasurable.
At the heart of sexual tantric practices is the idea of creating sexual rituals that get you in the mood and help you connect with your partner/s.
First, set the scene by turning your phone off, dimming the lights, and creating a beautiful, relaxing environment.
Then you might like to explore the idea of ‘worshipping’ or serving each other (again, think about the polarities of giving and receiving, dominating and surrendering etc.). Build arousal with massage, feed each other sensual foods, and synchronise your breathing.
While orgasms aren’t the goal, ‘tantric orgasms’ are often referred to as transcendental experiences because delaying orgasm often intensifies the experience (see more on edging here). Remaining in a high state of arousal with a higher level of tantric sexual tension can also help you experience energetic, whole body orgasms or orgasms without ejaculating.
Slowing down the process and learning to relax into the moment removes the pressure to perform and helps build desire and improved intimate communication. Win-win-win!
You’ve got the tools, now go and try them!
Whatever you hope to glean from Asa’s expertise, from flowing tantric experience to powerful joint climaxes and explosive endings, now’s the time to take her words to heart and put them into practice.
Asa Baav is founder of Tailor Matched, dating for the wild at heart. She’s on a mission to help people find the deep connection they crave. Find out more about matchmaking, coaching and events here: www.tailormatched.com