Submissive journey by our guest blogger Sarah
The journey of the dominant and submissive can be both a physical and emotional rollercoaster, and us Kittens are delicate beings. It doesn’t come without its highs and lows, but when approached correctly, it is one that can teach you more about yourself than any other kind of relationship.
The dom/sub bdsm relationship
The relationship between a Dom and Sub functions because of the roles they play.
The Dom takes on the protective, leader role.
The Sub plays the role of the servant, brat, and/or pleaser.
What does being submissive mean in bdsm?
Being submissive means taking on a sexual role of being a pleaser, tester and/or baby girl
The submissive role can be any gender, at any extreme.
Some submissives limit their role to sex while it is a large part of their identity to others. The latter considers themselves a ‘lifestyle’ submissive.
Submissive women are strong women, there’s no question about that. We’ve talked about the power exchange and dynamic of a BDSM relationship, and how the title of Master is earned, not assumed. But it is also important to address how that power should be handled and how to take into consideration the emotions of a new submissive.
Not only does a submissive give themselves physically to their Dominant, but they give themselves mentally, too. For me personally, the psychological side of a D/s relationship is the most powerful, and also the most dangerous; for the Dominant is exposing a vulnerability in the submissive that she may never have even known was there.
To be able to put their trust in someone to take them all the way down the kinky rabbit hole and bring them all the way back up again with their dignity intact is not a decision to be made lightly, you need to know how to treat a submissive. But if she chooses you, then be sure to get to know how to treat your sub rather than going in blind. Talk, discuss your likes and dislikes, know when no means no and when no means yes.
In doing so, the Dominant will allow the submissive to embark on a journey of self-discovery that can be truly enlightening for both of them. It’s not all just about rules and punishments, it’s very much about learning limits and boundaries together, and forming a bond that will allow both parties to indulge in a hedonistic need that is understood by so few. Oh, and not to mention the most intense orgasms you will ever experience with submissive sex.
Subspace: a state of being
Once trust is established, the submissive slowly begins to let go. And what a beautiful journey it is. The sub high, or “subspace” as I like to call it, is different for everyone; a feeling that cannot ever really be fully explained to those who’ve not experienced it. Again, lots of orgasms, but that’s not all!
It’s not just a state of mind, but a state of being. To serve her Master is to silence her mind and inspire her body; nothing else matters because she is all that matters to him. “Mine” he growls, “yours” she whispers. It’s a primal urge that is passionate and so very raw. She is exposed but free, because she knows she is safe with him, and even when participating in the most depraved and disgusting acts, she is more beautiful than ever because he can see straight into her soul, her vulnerability so positively endearing yet so wildly sexy at the same time. It is the greatest gift a submissive can give to her Dominant, and one that should not be treated flippantly.
Dominance: a duty of care. (How to treat a submissive woman in a relationship)
It should be noted that no man should take on a submissive if he is not willing to accept the responsibility that comes with it. Subs are fragile creatures, whatever the dynamic: DDLG, Master/Slave, the duty of care is the same. Being Dominant isn’t always about being right, or being in charge, it is mastering that combination of a strong but soft disposition, understanding your sub’s needs and making sure she never feels alone in this journey. A sub bounces off her Dom’s energy, so regularly checking in on her can make all the difference, as sometimes admitting a subdrop can make her feel like she’s not good enough.
The comedown from subspace is ever so bittersweet. The act of submission is freeing but also draining, even for those who are not in a full time D/s relationship. The fragility remains, and this is where she needs to know she matters, not just as a sub, but as a person. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, aftercare is important, but being human even more so – treat her with respect and she will obey, not only because she wants to, but because she needs to.
Subdrop: an identity crisis (The emotions of a new submissive).
With the intense nature of a D/s relationship, I think it is easy to see why subdrops are so common. They are certainly more intense than your average relationship- you invest yourself emotionally, and give a lot more of yourself to the other person, a side not just anyone gets to see.
And that is why I say handle with care. It can be easy to find yourself going through the motions in some cases, forgetting that your submissive may not always have the emotional strength some days to carry out certain tasks or duties. Fuck her like she is unbreakable, but care for her like she is a precious stone: rare and beautiful. Remember that BDSM is about so much more than great sex, and just know that if she submits to you it’s because you stimulate her mind as well as her body; a delicious combination of power that will ignite a fire in both of you.
And once you have ignited that desire to submit, it can be difficult to extinguish, but once it’s gone, it can be difficult to find again. Your submissve may feel vulnerable and exposed, but this time the feelings are of confusion and uncertainty rather than freedom and comfort. Behind every sub is a woman who can be strong for herself, but craves someone to be stronger for her – and that role isn’t always as easy as one might think.
A Dominant needs their submissive just as much as their sub needs them – they are a team. Both will likely experience highs and lows during their journey, so it is important for both to communicate openly, and give themselves entirely without fear. Take care of each other, and in doing so, I guarantee that person will teach you to unashamedly embrace your hedonistic desires in a way many couldn’t even dream of doing.
Sarah Butcher, aka Sub in the City, is a sex-positive BDSM & Kink educator who’s goal is to empower others to explore their sexuality, providing a safe and welcoming space for you to gain a deeper understanding of BDSM practices and introduce them into your sex lives with confidence.