How to give a lap dance

The trick to a perfect lap dance is being yourself. No, this isn’t some self-help manual – this is advice from someone awkward who found confidence later in life.

In a few quick pointers, Carolina, pole dance performer known as Blogger On Pole on the web and as Hades on stage, will answer some of the most common questions about finding your sexy ahead of her autumn KK lap dance workshops.

What does sexy mean?

To me, being sexy means feeling comfortable in your own skin. Sexiness isn’t an item you own, or an action you perform. It’s a feeling that extends to your whole being, and it’s deeply embedded with self-love and self-acceptance, which means you can feel sexy when you give someone a lap dance or even when you’re cleaning your kitchen.

How to be sexy? 

There is no one way to be sexy, because the sexiest way to be sexy is to be yourself. I know this makes me sound like a fluffy “find your inner you” wanker, but bear with me.
When I was a teen I fell in love with burlesque after seeing Dita Von Teese in Marilyn Manson’s mOBSCENE video. So, as you do, I proceeded to blow my summer scholarship money on corsets, nipple tassels and lingerie. I wanted to be like Dita so bad and to conform to the ideal sexy burlesque style that I momentarily forgot about the work and patience required with hair, make-up and stage presence. Then I realised my hair and make-up skills didn’t go beyond mascara and braids, and that I had zero dance training or musicality. So I gave it all up for a while.
The word sexy took a whole new meaning for me when I became a pole dancer, and saw how different, body-positive and welcoming the community is. I realised everyone has a different way to be sexy, and that difference is power. Each body type, background and personality creates something unique. When you stop trying to copy someone else’s every move and add your interpretation to things, that’s where the sexy magic happens.
One of the main issues of trying to be sexy in someone else’s way is that if you’re feeling nervous it will show, while being you and not taking yourself too seriously looks and feels way better.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I could try to be Dita Von Teese, but I am not. I am a loud Sardinian girl who loves carbs, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and heavy metal. I am not particularly classy and I enjoy dancing fast, while Dita’s style is more elegant, other-worldly and poised. So when I dance, I channel my quirks, my weirdness and my passions – I recently performed while eating pasta on stage, because that’s more me. Even my stage name – Hades – blends my love for creepy stuff with my high school Latin and Ancient Greek studies.
Sure, especially with dancing it helps to discover different styles and experiment between finding your own. But in short, you will feel way sexier using what you like and your own characteristics in a sexy way instead of trying to be someone you’re not. That way you will have way more fun, and if you’re having fun, your audience or your partner will have fun with you.

How to give a lap dance? 

1. Talk it through.

The first rule of the lap dancing club is: actually talk about lap dancing. Set your rules and boundaries. This is because not everyone is familiar with the dynamic of a lap dance.

Lap dances originated in strip clubs, where clients are not always allowed to touch dancers, because they need the dancer’s authorisation first, because clubs might have a no-touch policy or because touching might be illegal in that state/country. This puts the dancer completely in control of the lap dance until it is finished and she goes her own way.

So it’s up to you whether you want your lap dance to put you fully in charge, or you want the person you’re giving it to to touch you or not. I think it’s fun to tie people’s hands behind the chair because 1) it adds an extra layer of play to the whole thing 2) I’ve had some partners who didn’t even let me finish! I was getting all into the music and my (very easy) choreography and they were like: “BUT CAN I TOUCH YOU NOW? IS IT OK IF WE JUST DO IT?” Dude don’t kill my vibe.

2. Easy does it.

I love a bit of acrobatic chair. I can balance on chairs with my pelvis, but that doesn’t mean you should be balancing on your partners’ head or doing weird acro stuff on him if you can’t do it, are not confident with it or don’t feel like it. Actually, it’s very likely that even if you’re very good at it, they’ll go like: WTF? IS THAT SAFE? And that’s a turn-off.

The best lap dances are easy. They’re about eye contact, about grinding on your partner or letting them watch while you do your thing. Acro tricks are great for shows, but they might make you feel tired in the bedroom.
In my experience, partners have enjoyed me grinding on their lap a lot more than when I twerked in a headstand, so practice some very easy body waves or grinding while sitting on a chair – you’ll be way more likely to use those instead.
3. Milk It.
Writing this for readers and for myself. My friends in the pole community call me ‘polenado’ cause I love fast routines to heavy metal or 80s rock. BUT when you are lap dancing a human those don’t make for the sexiest song choice (unless they’re as crazy about them as I am).
When you’re nervous it’s easy to go too fast, but your partner will take in all of your movements and the way you look a lot more if you go slow. So milk each body wave or grinding motion, make movements last longer, enjoy yourself. And breathe.
4. Be yourself.
I’ve seen people be sexy in a dinosaur onesie or while dancing to Disney songs. So don’t try to be someone you’re not and use your own passions to your advantage (although I would say, if it’s your first lap dance, don’t use a Disney song because it might creep some people out).
Wear something you feel sexy in – whether that’s a nightie, or a lace bra, or a bikini. Put on some music that makes you feel sexy (and maybe if you are like me, something a bit more mellow than stuff that might make your partner want to bang his head against the wall). If you’re not quite sure about what song to choose, do some ‘sexy songs’ research on Spotify or ask your partner which songs turn them on – no point in going for Barry White if either you or your partner have an aversion to him!
You don’t have to wear heels if you don’t feel comfortable to walk in them. I personally love heels because I am short and love looking like a patriarchy crushing glamazon, but I only started wearing them once I learnt to walk in heels. The “Will I fall and die?” worried look isn’t the sexiest during a lap dance.
5. Learn from the best. 
I didn’t understand the big deal about lap dances until I was lap danced by actual sex workers.
Strippers invented this art, and it’s only fair to give back for what they’ve given us. Plus, only when strippers lap danced me I understood the shift in power happening during lap dances. The dancer is in control, they are turning you on and drawing the pleasure out. You can’t do anything but sitting back and enjoying it. So if you pay an actual sex worker to lap dance you, you will see the real thing in action. Make sure you tip well!
You can also take lap dance classes, which are a way more fun workout than the gym and which are super helpful to break the movements down. These often happen in safe spaces where everyone is in the same boat, and people often go out feeling refreshed and excited.
6. Don’t give them out just like that! 
I have had sex on the first date, but I’ve now decided not to give out lap dances on a first date. This is purely because I want to see if my partner is worth the effort!
Lap dances are hard work. You are essentially squatting and grinding on someone for a whole song. It’s a workout! Your thighs will build up quite some strength. So I’ve decided I’m only giving them out to people who make a bit of an effort into showing me a good night, not just some one-night stand who won’t call me tomorrow. There are exceptions, of course – good chemistry, or travelling scenarios when I won’t see them again. But don’t tire yourself out if they are not worth it 😛
Find me at http://bloggeronpole.com/and on my InstagramFacebook and Twitter at @bloggeronpole with my videos and lingerie or song inspo.
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