How to give a sexy lap dance
To me, being sexy means feeling comfortable in your own skin. Sexiness isn’t an item you own, or an action you perform. It’s a feeling that extends to your whole being. It’s deeply embedded with self-love and self-acceptance, which means you can feel sexy when you give someone a lap dance or just when you’re cleaning your kitchen.
There is no one way to be sexy
When I was a teen I fell in love with burlesque after seeing Dita Von Teese in Marilyn Manson’s mOBSCENE video. So, as you do, I proceeded to blow my summer scholarship money on corsets, nipple tassels and lingerie. I wanted to be like Dita so bad and to conform to the ideal sexy burlesque style that I momentarily forgot about the work and patience required with hair, make-up and stage presence. Then I realised my hair and make-up skills didn’t go beyond mascara and braids, and that I had zero dance training or musicality. So I gave it all up for a while.
Pole dancing discoveries
Do sexy lap dance your own way
Getting started with sexy lap dance
Talk it through.
The first rule of the dancing club is: actually talk about lap dancing. Set your rules and boundaries. This is because not everyone is familiar with the dynamic of a lap dance.
Lap dances originated in strip clubs, where clients are not always allowed to touch dancers, because they need the dancer’s authorisation first, because clubs might have a no-touch policy or because touching might be illegal in that state/country. This is supposed to put the dancer completely in control of the lap dance.
So it’s up to you whether you want your lap dance to put you fully in charge, or you want the person you’re giving it to to touch you or not. I think it’s fun to tie people’s hands behind the chair because 1) it adds an extra layer of play to the whole thing 2) I’ve had some partners who didn’t even let me finish! I was getting all into the music and my (very easy) choreography and they were like: “BUT CAN I TOUCH YOU NOW? IS IT OK IF WE JUST DO IT?” Don’t kill my vibe.
Easy does it.
I love a bit of acrobatic chair. I can balance on chairs with my pelvis, but that doesn’t mean you should be balancing on your partners’ head or doing weird acro stuff on them if you can’t do it, are not confident with it or don’t feel like it. Actually, it’s very likely that even if you’re very good at it, they’ll go like: WTF? IS THAT SAFE? And that’s a turn-off.
The best lap dances are easy. They’re about eye contact, about grinding on your partner or letting them watch while you do your thing. Acro tricks are great for shows, but they might make you feel tired in the bedroom.
In my experience, partners have enjoyed me grinding on their lap a lot more than when I twerked in a headstand, so practice some very easy body waves or grinding while sitting on a chair – you’ll be way more likely to use those instead.
Writing this for readers and for myself. My friends in the pole community call me ‘polenado’ cause I love fast routines to heavy metal or 80s rock. BUT when you are lap dancing a human those don’t make for the sexiest song choice (unless they’re as crazy about them as I am).
When you’re nervous it’s easy to go too fast, but your partner will take in all of your movements and the way you look a lot more if you go slow. So milk each body wave or grinding motion, make movements last longer, enjoy yourself. And breathe.
I’ve seen people be sexy in a dinosaur onesie or while dancing to Disney songs. So don’t try to be someone you’re not and use your own passions to your advantage.
Wear something you feel sexy in – lingerie, a three piece suit, one of your partner’s t-shirts. Put on some music that makes you feel sexy. If you’re not quite sure about what song to choose, do some ‘sexy songs’ research on Spotify or ask your partner which songs turn them on.
You don’t have to wear heels if you don’t feel comfortable to walk in them. I personally love heels because I am short and love looking like a patriarchy crushing glamazon, but I only started wearing them once I learnt to walk in heels. The “will I fall and die?” worried look isn’t the sexiest during a lap dance.
Learn from the best.
I didn’t understand the big deal about lap dances until I was lap danced by actual sex workers. Strippers invented this art, and it’s only fair to give back for what they’ve given us. Plus, it was only when strippers lap danced me I understood the shift in power happening during lap dances. The dancer is in control, they are turning you on and drawing the pleasure out. You can’t do anything but sit back and enjoying it.
So if you pay an actual sex worker to lap dance you, you will see the real thing in action. Make sure you tip well!
You can also take lap dance classes, which are a way more fun workout than the gym and which are super helpful to break the movements down. These often happen in safe spaces where everyone is in the same boat, and people often go out feeling refreshed and excited.
Find me at http://bloggeronpole.com/and on my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at @bloggeronpole with my videos and lingerie or song inspo.
Carolina, 26, is a PhD student, visiting lecturer, blogger, writer and pole dancer performer. After a career U-turn that saw her go from PR to academic, Carolina moved to Australia for a MA in Criminology. Here, while trying to heal from an abusive relationship that inspired her novel Bad/Tender, she fell in love with pole dancing and never looked back. On her lifestyle and fitness blog, Blogger On Pole, she talks extensively about how dancing helped her love herself again and take control of her body. Carolina is now back in London permanently, studying cyber-harassment, disinformation and conspiracy theories through her PhD while also actively performing at events, competitions and showcases under the name Hades. Read what they say about her here.