For International Masturbation Month, Emma Flint offers her advice on trying mutual masturbation and elevating the experience with special tips and tricks!
Editor’s Note: This article and the terms used within are intentionally gender non-specific, as we intend for this piece to be broad in gender application. It is our intention to be mindful and inclusive of trans, enby, GNC, gender expansive, 2 Spirit, and intersex experiences as we want the information contained within to benefit as many expansive identities as possible.
We hope that you enjoy reading this article and that it helps you to find new ways to experience and or give pleasure! We welcome feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org
How to do mutual masturbation
Masturbation is a sex language most of us speak. Often, we masturbate alone, immersed in a space we devote solely to ourselves. Although this is enjoyable, there’s a way to turn masturbation into a partnered experience – that’s right, we’re talking mutual masturbation.
Similar to solo play, mutual masturbation doesn’t have a one size fits all. What works for some won’t necessarily work for others. The key with mutual masturbation is to pleasure each other in a way that’s safe, open, and explorative.
What Does Mutual Masturbation Actually Mean?
To some, mutual masturbation seems like an oxymoron because we view masturbation as a solo event. In truth, you don’t need to be alone to masturbate. Masturbation means “erotic stimulation, especially of one’s own genitals“; not that it has to be done without a partner.
There’s also a misconception that mutual masturbation only means pleasuring yourself in front of your partner(s), when in fact it can take two different forms: pleasuring each other or pleasuring yourselves in front of one another.
Picture yourself with your partner, maybe in your bedroom, bathroom or even in the kitchen. Wherever you deem fit. You’re touching yourself while your partner watches, their eyes fixated on yours as their hand slowly reaches into their underwear – it’s a hot image.
This makes for an incredibly intimate and highly charged atmosphere that’s about visually titillating your partner; you’re driving them wild without a single touch. Then, should you decide to pleasure each other, the feeling is amplified from this erotic build-up.
Best Positions and Techniques for Mutual Masturbation
As with every new sexual experience, if you’ve never tried it before it can feel daunting to get started.
A lot of the time we build ideas up in our heads, which only serve to put pressure on what and how an experience should feel. Not only do these ideas often prove to be inaccurate, but they also rob you of the ability to explore your desires freely.
One way you can combat this is by talking through your desires and feelings with your partner.
Be open and honest
Talking openly about our sexual desires can be difficult, but being sexually assertive about your own pleasure is one of the best ways to guarantee mutual pleasure. A lot of people believe sex should be spontaneous and acting on impulse, yet impulsivity creates its own complexities. From the potential lack of consent to not knowing how you’re both feeling – this and more can stall, or even end, sex before it has begun.
To make sure all parties are comfortable, a discussion needs to take place. You don’t have to rent a boardroom and draw up contracts: just have a candid chat about what you both expect from the experience. What are your likes and dislikes, where would you both feel most comfortable, is this more about casual sex or a deeper, emotional intimacy?
Find a comfortable space
Not everyone needs to set the scene before they begin – you may find the spontaneity fuels your excitement. But if you’re new to mutual masturbation, it’s worth finding a space that you’re both comfortable in. By using a safe and familiar space, such as a bedroom you know well, you’ll be better able to set the mood and work out the dynamics of your pleasure.
Once you find the right space, you can begin to test out how you want to position yourself. We’re not just talking about sexual positions but physical proximity too. Will you be next to one another, or will you sit opposite one another? Arguably, the more eye contact you have as you masturbate, the more intense and arousing it’ll be. On the other hand, if you want to pleasure each other at the same time, sitting on opposite sides of the room likely won’t work. Not unless you have a Bluetooth controlled toy involved.
Try new positions
We all have one or two preferred ways of pleasuring ourselves, perhaps in order to have an orgasm if this is something we want and can achieve in our bodies. The issue with this is that we can become set in our routine of pleasuring ourselves in a specific way. Consequently, masturbation runs the risk of growing stale, as well as training our bodies to only climax or experience pleasure in that way.
There’s so much new pleasure to be discovered when changing positions. Don’t limit yourselves.
For penis masturbation, why not switch it up and stroke your penis while on all fours? Not only will it add a sense of greater vulnerability, which some will enjoy, but it’ll also allow your partner to appreciate you from a different angle.
As for vulva masturbation, there’s a simple yet satisfying beauty to lying on your front and grinding against your hand or pillow. Or maybe you want to switch it up and introduce some toy-based masturbation into the mix? If so, you could try squatting down and riding a dildo. This can provide some deep penetration that’ll have you and your partner eager for more.
It’s okay if changing your routine sounds scary, that’s why we have workshops to help you out. Our Love Thyself pleasure workshops are a great starting point, and can better help you understand how to pleasure yourself.
Introduce sex toys
Sex toys can be divisive, but there’s no denying their ability to open up exploration.
A lot of masturbation tips can heavily centre around people with vulvas, like using an air pressure toy on the clitoris. However, to merely focus on one aspect of pleasure is to limit the diversity of expression. For a lot of couples, penis masturbation will factor in, too.
It’s fun to include toys, free from gendered notions of sex. Vibrators are great for this as they can be enjoyed by anyone through penetration, or by using the vibrations external stimulation. By exploring different erogenous zones, you can find exciting new ways to hit the spot.
Fun and games
Often, we have a specific idea of how sex should go in our heads, one which we’re nervous to deviate from, but it’s okay to go off-script. Try to have fun with your pleasure – it’s not meant to be serious and clinical.
Masturbation games are a great way to play around with different power dynamics and role reversal. One such game you might want to include is edging, where you’re kept on the cusp of orgasm by yourself or a partner; it can be oh so pleasurable yet tortuous at the same time. If you’re both into kink-play, you might enjoy experimenting with forced orgasms as well. Both are wonderfully filthy, and suit both novice and experienced BDSM couples.
Keep exploring together
Mutual masturbation is an underrated yet highly sensual experience. It can lead to amazing orgasms, a discovery of new pleasure, and a unique way of connecting with your partner. Mix it up or keep it simple – whatever you do, don’t be afraid to learn and explore together.
Want to learn more about mutual masturbation?
Make sure you check out our upcoming workshops and masterclasses for more chances to hone your masturbation skills.
Emma is a genderfluid writer and journalist, who specialises in LGBTQIA+, mental health, and sexual wellbeing. She also really loves sex and being able to explore pleasure in an open and inclusive way. Pronouns she/they.