Maybe you’re a master of dirty talk via text, but when it comes to being between the sheets, you feel flustered speaking the words out loud. Fear not. This Killing Kittens guide is here to help you.
So, how do you talk dirty?
First, let’s look at some ground rules.
Mind-blowing sex happens when we work together to ensure we all feel heard, accepted, and happy.
Before you go into any conversation about sharing fantasies and desires, you should make sure that you not only feel calm and safe but that your partner does too. Make sure you give each other time and space to share your thoughts separately to times that you are having sex. This will take some of the pressure off the conversation.
When trying dirty talking, make it a habit of pointing out what is going well. Focus on what is working and what you like. This will lead to your partner doing more of it.
If you are new to dirty talk in the bedroom, start slow and ease into it. Remember, positive feedback fuels growth.
Try talking about what feels good to you at that moment. Telling your partner “oh that feels really good” or “I like it when you do this” is a good place to start. When you describe what’s getting you going, it’s likely to turn you on even more!
It’s important to regularly check in with yourself and your partner to see if what you are doing feels good. Doing this will help to actively create a safer space for both of you to share if something doesn’t land or could be done in a different way.
This goes for the words you don’t enjoy as well as any actions. Some people can find certain words uncomfortable or even triggering. So instead, try to make a habit of sharing what you would like to be called, and make it clear if something is off the table.
Talking about what doesn’t work can feel a little daunting. If you’re worried about hurting people’s feelings, offer something you liked along with what you didn’t. “X didn’t really work for me, but I really liked it when you did Y”.
Dirty talk and opening up our fantasies can leave us sensitive to criticism so be kind to each other, and to yourself.
You should never feel like you can’t say something to your partner. Again, think about the timing. It might be easier to talk things through if you set aside a time away from sex, and if you open by saying that you want to be able to be completely honest with one another in order to improve your sex life together.
Keep it short and sweet
When you’re in the flow of the moment, you can use short words and phrases to encourage or build anticipation. A simple “yes”, or “more” can help guide a partner, as can “don’t stop” and “that feels so good”. Questions are also good for creating a back and forth, as well as for ascertaining important information such as whether you partner wants you to continue with something or change it up.
Say it like you mean it
It can be very tempting to be led by what we think we should do, feel, and say, so remember to embrace your authentic expression. Show how you really feel and portray what you really want or don’t want.
Don’t try to emulate something you’ve seen (unless you’re creating a deliberate fantasy!) and if you’re feeling awkward, you can express that too! “This is so sexy but I don’t know what to say” can be endearing, and it’s much less awkward to acknowledge uncertainty than to try and power through like nothing is amiss.
By taking a lead and giving examples, it’s far more likely that your partner will follow. Good dirty talk and mind-blowing sex come from when we show up as our authentic self, so encourage your partner to do the same.
Great examples of sexy dirty talk:
If you’re still feeling stuck, try using the below examples as a template for your sex talk!
- You feel so amazing when [insert phrase here]
- You turn me on so much when [insert phrase here]
- You feel so good when [insert phrase here]
- I love it with your [insert phrase here]
- I want to [insert word here] you
- I want to see your [insert word here]
- I can’t wait to [insert word here]
- I want to touch your [insert word here] with my [insert word here]
- [insert word here] makes me so wet/hard/horny/aroused
- I am going to [insert word here] with my [insert word here]
- You are making me so [insert word here]
- You feel really good when [insert phrase here]
- Feeling your [insert word here] would make me feel so [insert word here]
- Will you [insert action here] while I [insert action here]
The options are truly endless!
Remember to have fun and play with it. If something doesn’t land, laugh it off and move on.
Asa Baav (she/her) is the founder of Tailor Matched, a matchmaking agency for the wild at heart and the nationwide thought leader in sexual and romantic compatibility. As a matchmaker, coach, and educator she is on a mission to help busy professionals create deeply satisfying romantic relationships, inside and outside the bedroom – no matter where they are on their dating and relationship journey.