Sex positivity is for everyone, regardless of their gender or how they identify, and everyone deserves to feel empowered by the sex positive movement. So, here we go into some ways men can become more engaged in sex positivity.
Embracing vulnerability
Unfortunately, vulnerability is something men typically have difficulty embracing. The particular societal expectations and pressures placed on men often cause them to be withdrawn when it comes to what makes people vulnerable.
However, as the great Brene Brown once said, “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change”. The same can be said for any kind of empowerment, including sex positivity. So much of sex positivity – as an individual experience and a movement – comes from the stigmatised areas of sex. Often, the things we’re most ashamed to speak are the ones we should talk about most.
Topher Taylor, a writer, sex educator, and podcaster says that the best way for men to get involved with the conversation surrounding sex positivity, is first and foremost, to allow themselves to be vulnerable and embrace this more.
“In my opinion, a lot of sex positivity comes from us accepting the topics and parts of ourselves which can be considered “weak”, promiscuous, anti-masculine, or even ‘physical failures’ (in regards to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation) etc.”
A big part of engaging in the sex positive movement is knowing when and how to listen. Don’t try to correct other people on their experiences. Just listen and learn. Sometimes that is the most sex positive thing you can do: give the space to other people so that their voices can be heard.
Taylor recommends listening to what other people are discussing about sex positivity and paying attention to where your voice can contribute value to others.
“From there, you can then lend yourself to conversations that concern you. Discuss the ways you overcame [or plan on overcoming] shame, how to learn to orgasm better, how you learned to better understand (and accept) your sexual interests and relationship with your own body. As soon as you ‘open’ yourself up, it makes it easier for people to want to learn from you”.
Start conversations with friends
For 28-year-old Darren, his experience with sex positivity started via conversations amongst friends. His interest in sex and the way it intersects with other areas of life – from mental health to body confidence and even to work life – grew privately.“I was passionate about the kind of sex I wanted to have, the sex I was having, and had a lot of thoughts and opinions on how sex worked. I wanted to know what my friends thought, and to hear about how sex affects them.”
Opening conversations about sex to your friends can normalise sex (and the discussion of it) in your social circles. Ultimately, this will help you have a more vibrant, communicative sex life too, since being able to speak with friends about sex can make you better at talking to partners about it.
If you don’t have a group of friends that would be open to these conversations, head online. You can find many like-minded communities, such as the global community of sex positive people at Killing Kittens, who are always keen to welcome new sex positive people to the fold.
Follow sex positive influencers
If you’re unsure where to start with sex positivity, social media influencers creating sex and relationships content are a good place to start. Influencers can be a great source to learn something new, due to the fun way they package information. Just make sure you check out their credentials! If you’re looking for advice and information, you want to make sure you’re getting it from a reputable source, such as a trained sex educator or professional.
The sex positive online community is home to an array of brilliant male influencers. Some of our faves include Jamie Finch, Topher Taylor, Bobby Box, Zachary Zane and the fantastic Drew Wyllie from the Come Curious team.
These creators provide great resources, ideas and opinions about the world of sex ranging from entry level sex positivity to full-fledged filth. Check them out and see what resonates with you.
Get creative
After following those influencers and curating your social feed to see regular sex positive content, you might find your own creative side. If you have a creative passion or skill like writing, painting, illustrating or audio editing, channelling your open-mindedness and positive attitude towards sex into creative projects like a podcast, blogs or piece of creative writing can be really empowering.
If you’d like to tap into your sex positive side, why not try writing an erotic short story? Or sharing some new sex facts you’ve learned on Instagram? It’s agenda setting and affirming to put your sex positive practice into art of some kind – just make sure you’re crediting your sources of info, so people following you can find out more if they want to.
Listen to podcasts
Similarly to influencers, sex podcasts are luckily in abundance. From Come Curious’ F**ks Given (which just launched a third season) to Hannah Witton’s Doing It, there are plenty of options for all – no matter where you’re at in your sex-posi journey.
Jamie, the host of the Let’s Talk About Sex, Jamie podcast, says he fell into sex positivity without really realising. “When I started my podcast, I just wanted to talk to people – I didn’t consider myself specifically as sex positive. I probably didn’t even really consider myself open-minded.” Jamie knew what he liked and wanted to hear what other people were into (or not into) sex-wise. The more he spoke to a range of sex positive people, the more he started exploring the movement further.
“I just wanted to talk about sex because I liked sex. It started from that, and then the more people I spoke to, the more I developed an thorough understanding of sex and what it means to people.”
“After that, I noticed myself being more open-minded and calling people out who were being judgemental or closed minded about other people and their sex lives. Because I’d been exposed to so many different viewpoints, I was able to help others get there too.”
Jamie believes creating sex positive content helps others to understand themselves and others and engaging in this space is really important for men.
“Initially, I was selfishly looking to enhance my own pleasure experiences, but a happy by-product of exploring sex positivity and hearing other people’s stories is you can maybe help others do the same.”
Learning about others
When venturing into sex positivity – or growing a readily established love for all things sex – learning about others is really important. Though curating your social feed and following influencers/creators who provide what you’re looking for is really important, making sure the content you consume is diverse and representative of other people is paramount.
We should especially learn about those who are more vulnerable or oppressed than ourselves. Though cisgender, straight, white men will benefit greatly from sex positivity, there are people of identities who are much more in need of understanding and acceptance. By diversifying our resources, content and the way we interact with sex positivity, we’re uplifting everyone – not only ourselves.
A big part of engaging in the sex positive movement is knowing when and how to listen. Don’t try to correct other people on their experiences. Just listen and learn. Sometimes that is the most sex positive thing you can do: give the space to other people so that their voices can be heard.
Want to join a sex positive community?
Head over to Killing Kittens and sign up for free now! With thousands of like-minded individuals all over the world, if you’re keen to learn more about sex positivity this is a perfect place to start.
Beth Ashley (she/her) is a journalist and creative writer specialising in sex, relationships, politics and class. You can follow her work on Instagram at @bethashleywriter