Some structures to consider:
Do you plan to have designated portions of your day/week/month allocated to D/s time? If one of you is unable to be in a headspace in the middle of your text play, how will they make this known to the other in a way that is respectful of play and the dynamics you’ve created together?
Professional Dominatrix Madame Rose has a specialty in distance domination which includes sending many a text command. She reminds us that building boundaries for yourself as a Dominant is just as important as it is for the submissive. Rose explains when she assigns a texting task, “I build the response requirement around the stipulations for us both. I also present boundaries for Myself. I do not appreciate being texted past a certain hour so I set that expectation and boundary from the start.”
What is a command?
When we speak of the commands a Dominant may give a submissive, there is still implicit consent and communication that goes on before and after an order is given. A command should never be a threat unless that has been discussed and agreed upon as desired by all parties. For now, let’s think of a command synonymous with the word “task”, which seems much less threatening.
Context via Text
Even without bringing kink into the equation, there is always room for miscommunications or losing context via text. In kink this can lead to a task not being completed correctly or, in a worst case scenario, create an entirely unsafe situation. Rose believes “texting should be meant for confirmations or acknowledgments and the like, because it is too easy to lose the message when texting commands. If the person will know what I want in two sentences or less it is a good idea to text the command. Otherwise, there might be an email or video/voice call where I can clearly state my requests and allow for the other side to ask questions for clarity.”
Understand Your Submissive’s Motivations
A command is only as powerful as the connection between you both. Rose believes “command without any connection is not as sexy. The deeper in the submissive’s head you are, the more powerful the command and response will be.” Knowing your submissive’s motivation or goal feeling can help you tailor your commands or tasks to something they’ll really enjoy. For instance, telling an image-oriented person to complete a bunch of cleaning tasks isn’t going to hit the same as instructing them to take very specific photos of themselves.
While your D/s texting dynamic can be considered dirty talk, it doesn’t have to be degrading, naughty, or even sexual in nature. The definition of dirty talk has more to do with the intent to arouse which can be whatever content the person(s) involved find titillating.
Tasks to give to your sub based on common motivation
Get to know the common motivations within kink and how you can tailor text commands to each person.
Take the act of wearing a specific outfit, for example. Commands for each of the motivations may look like the following:
“Go find that outfit I love to undress you in. Put it on and take pictures of yourself on all fours and then one looking up at the camera and send them to me.”
“You’re going to shower and bathe yourself for me, making sure you scrub every last little crevice. Put on a clean set of clothes, make the bed, and then lay on top of it until I get home.”
“Wear an outfit that makes you feel the naughtiest. Something you would never dream of wearing in public. Then I want you to masturbate while you look at yourself in the mirror examining yourself.”
“You know my mind better than anyone. Wear something that will make me want to jump your bones, then I’ll let you choose what you’d like me to dress in for you.”
“Wear something under your outfit when you go to the shops. It’ll be our little secret. No one will know what’s under those pants except for you and me.”
While your D/s texting dynamic can be considered dirty talk, it doesn’t have to be degrading, naughty, or even sexual in nature. The definition of dirty talk has more to do with the intent to arouse which can be whatever content the person(s) involved find titillating. Speaking of titillating, Madame Rose’s favourite task via text involves a surprise inspection. “[My] favourite tasks/commands I have are surprise inspections, and photo verification of compliance with a timestamp. I love that I can surprise them with this request anytime.”
Punishments To Give Your Sub
Not all subs are driven by punishment, but if yours is, revisit their motivations to influence what types of punishment they may enjoy. Any and all punishments should be explicitly agreed upon before any play is to occur – meaning: don’t agree to the punishment in the middle of play.
Some examples of punishments, driven by motivations, are:
Get your sub to write a specific thing on their body, then take a photo and send it to you. If writing on the skin is not feasible, you can always get them to write on a post-it-note that they then have to keep somewhere close to them – in their underwear, for example – and send a photograph of that.
Cleaning tasks, and physical exertion tasks are good for service-oriented subs. You can check these are being done by requesting photo or video evidence of the task being completed by a certain time.
Get your sub to send you a voice note confessional, explaining why what they did is wrong and how they understand that they deserve punishment for it.
Sometimes denying your presence is the greatest power move of all. “I’m not angry, just disappointed, and I’ll need to take some time to process what I should do with you as a result of this misdemeanour”. Make sure you give your sub some timeframe within which to expect you to get back in touch to resume play, or a way that they can make it up to you.
Tell your sub to spank themselves or deny themselves during self-pleasure until they are given their next task.
Brats and Commands
Commands and tasks are very much rooted in structure and service. This can certainly rub up against brats in the wrong way. For those unfamiliar: a brat is an individual who acts out, creates chaos, or otherwise doesn’t follow rules for particular motivation. Yep, brats have their own set of motivations in addition to their kink motivation. After all, what are brats if not the most particular of all subsets?
Remember: not all brats like or respond to punishment, or the threat of it, so you may run yourself into a wall attempting the same thing and expecting different results. Instead, focus on keeping equal ground and creating the structure of text domination together before engaging in any power dynamic play. You can also solely focus on teasing a temptation or reward to see if this warrants a different response, but above all be patient and playful. Brats often like the push and pull, which keeps them on their toes and allows them active participation in the power exchange.
Things Subs Say, And How To Respond Via Text
Sub: “But I don’t want to do that right now.”
Response: Is there a time that better suits you or would you like us to find something else that is more exciting for you?
Rationale: We all have those times when we are busy. Sometimes your submissive will be totally wrapped around your finger and then an important call comes in or their dog vomits on the floor. The point is, life happens and you’ll need to make room for that instead of blaming someone for getting in the way of their play.
If someone gives a no, you don’t want to push before understanding. Because there are no non-verbal cues to read via text you need to be ultra careful when flirting anywhere near a boundary. There’s nothing fun about a dominant who barrels through a submissive’s needs to make good on their own agenda.
Sub: “Make me.”
Response: Do you actually want me to make you and if so should I do this via punishment or reward baiting?
Rationale: the idea that you have to be in a strict dominant voice at all times is a farce. What’s more, is you can still maintain control and care by asking for clarification and offering potential solutions.
If your sub complains that you aren’t in your dominant persona 24/7 or that you should read their mind then you can explain to them that you are the dominant and these are the rules and structure that bring you safety and you hope they respect your need for humanity in addition to theirs.
Now that you have an arsenal of sexy commanding texts, where can you start with your partner? Rose invites us to start slowly with the basics until we get the swing of it. “I always recommend the good morning/goodnight texts. It gets both parties in the mind frame of exchanging these text tasks and sets the mindset that you need to adhere to the task/time frame. I find this simple starting point helps to reinforce the D/s and builds that technological bond.”
Lola Jean is a Sex Educator, Mental Health Professional, Wrestler, Pro Domme and World Record Holder for Volume Squirting (solo.) providing the No Frills Sex Education we both need and deserve. Lola brings a refreshing understanding to sex, sexuality and kink to push individuals past what they think they are capable of. There is so much we are not exploring due to fear. Fear of how society will view us. How our partners will view us. How our peers will view us. Lola helps individuals stop making excuses and unlock who they are and what they deserve.