BDSM & Kink

Facesitting: A Non-Gendered Guide

Pull up a pew...
by Kitty Pride
2 Jan 2023

UPDATED: 12 Jan 2023


Image Source: Photo by 1MilliDollars on Unsplash

What’s your relationship to face-sitting? Perhaps you’re cursorily familiar with face-sitting and you’ve come here to learn more about it. Perhaps you’re an active and experienced practitioner on either end of it, and you’d like to hear a new perspective. Or maybe it’s completely new to you and you’re wanting a thoughtful extrapolation to satiate your curiosity.

Maybe you’re wanting to try face-sitting but feeling uncomfortable about your body or how to go about asking for it. Perhaps you really want to try it but you’re scared you might crush your lover or suffocate them.

We’re here to hopefully assuage your fear(s) and whatever your desire, I hope you find what you’re looking for in this guide, and find it supportive and engaging wherever you’re at in your facesitting experiential trajectory!

Being in the seated position and mounting someone’s face can be a very empowering position. There is a lot to play with when it comes to dominance and control. You can essentially engulf your partner in your body. In doing this, you can close off many of their sensations, close off the rest of the world to them, while making your tastes and smells their entire universe.

What Is Face-Sitting?

Face-sitting isn’t a euphemism. It is essentially exactly what it sounds like: a person sitting on a partner’s face so they can be orally stimulated by the partner underneath. 

It’s also, to add some clarification, not always direct sitting but sometimes squatting or kneeling over your partner’s face — something to keep in mind if suffocation is the first thing you think of when you hear the term face-sitting. 

Later in this article we will also offer tips for various positions, suggestions to support face-sitting comfort for fat and bigger bodies <3, and a quick rundown of some face-sitting accessories. 

Is face-sitting the same as queening?

In certain cultures and settings, face-sitting is also known as Queening. As with most etymological examinations it’s difficult to pin down exact origins of Queening as a sex act, and there are often conflicting reports of how it came to be known as such. 

Some theories surmise that Queening as a term has its cultural origins in femdom BDSM +  kink practice as a play act often involving distinct power dynamics for the sitter and the recipient face. Its prevalence in femdom community and the power dynamic aspects both seem to have had a notable influence to establish the gendered and imperial nature of the term. 

Other theories point to more literal imperial origins, where there is hxstorical evidence of various royalty or wealthy elite engaging in face-sitting, often with people on a lower tier of the hierarchical ladder of social order. I was unable to find specific first hand accounts or tangible examples of facesitting art in ancient Egypt or Japan, commonly cited as a few of the oldest hxstorical depictions of facesitting, but there’s no doubt humans have been exploring methods of sexual pleasure for a VERY long time. 

For some incredible evidence of more contemporary hxstorical examples of facesitting I would highly suggest spending some time with the work of virtuosic Japanese fetish artist Namio Harukawa. Not only are his illustration techniques truly astounding and, to many, an inspiration, but his images are beautiful in their reverential depictions of fat and bigger bodies, and at least one notable inclusion of a subject who is likely a trans woman in an equivalent position to the other dominant characters of his work, in an act that seems to indicate a degree of transfeminism.  

Challenging “Queening”

Though I have some respect for certain cultural preservations, especially for femdom culture in this particular context, I think the term Queening is worth some interrogation. I believe language as it supports both imperialism, systems of royalty, and the gender binary is worth divesting of power and usage. 

In challenging most binary gendered language, you’re putting yourself in a position to make less assumptions. What we’re doing in changing our habits with gendered language is ultimately making gender less relevant when it’s often completely unnecessary to include. And who doesn’t love doing less work? In alignment with those principles we will for the remainder of this article use only the term face-sitting and offer clarification when we are discussing face-sitting with additional power exchange dynamics. 

Face Sitting & Power Play

Power exchange, in a kink and BDSM context, is an element that lends itself very well to face-sitting as a sexual endeavour, if that’s part of what you’re looking to get out of it. 

We have been cross-culturally conditioned to feel and believe that lying on your back is a posture of submission and vulnerability, particularly if there is another individual above you. So if feeling submissive or vulnerable during sex or play is something that makes you uncomfortable or is a huge turn-off, then receiving oral stimulation while you’re in a different position other than lying on your back might be something to explore. Face-sitting might just be your ideal option! 

Being in the seated position and mounting someone’s face can be a very empowering position. There certainly is a potential level of physical advantage and control over a partner’s mobility when you are literally on top of their face. Potentially their ability to speak is compromised while you remain far less verbally constrained and able to give orders or directives or derisions (if humiliation or degradation is also something you enjoy). 

In this position there is a lot to play with when it comes to dominance and control. You can essentially engulf your partner in your body. In doing this, you can close off many of their sensations, close off the rest of the world to them, while making your tastes and smells their entire universe. 

Face-Sitting & Topping From The Bottom

But in line with challenging notions of what topping, service, and dominance all look and feel like… with face-sitting you too can top from the bottom. 

Simply because there is a prevalent cultural association with submission and lying on one’s back does not make it inherently and objectively correlative. One could very easily be in the role of dom/me/mx and dominate from the position of having someone sit on your face. With autonomy in that position, you are not the object of use but the one doing the using, deciding exactly how you’d like to stimulate your partner/s. There are many devious scenarios where commanding someone to sit on your face puts you in a place to make them squirm and sweat (in the ways we like). There is a very intimate and physically intense connection that can occur in this position, with proximity of bodies, pressure, and energetic exchange. If you’re a service top, stimulating from this reclined position with your partner straddling you could be exactly your cup of tea. 

Not Inherently Kinky

If power dynamics are decidedly not your thing, don’t let this dissuade you from face-sitting exploration. Face-sitting doesn’t automatically or inherently involve a power play aspect. It can just be an option in your oeuvre of positions for oral. 

The specific access point it provides to anus and genitals has its own particular advantages. Depending on the uniqueness of bodies, it’s possible this is just the right angle to get your bell rung. We also mentioned above the specific type of intimacy and physical connection that it can also allow for, which might be an added component that allows for you to access deeper pleasure in an oral exchange. 

Feeling your partner’s breath in your thighs, ass, and lower parts while they give you oral, in the particular way that face-sitting can allow for, is also a very particular sensation that may be quite pleasurable. 

Also face-sitting can just be really really fun. 

Face-Sitting: Safe-Word and Safe-Signals

I would suggest that any time you are engaging in acts of sexual pleasure with another person, a safe-word or at least a prior discussion around how to stop or pause when and if things are starting to veer into displeasure (when displeasure is not your aim) is an essential part of the process. This is undoubtedly the case when doing anything with safety and comfort concerns, such as face-sitting. 

I would also suggest consistent and continual check-ins, throughout the process, especially with the immobilisation, potential restriction of oxygen access, and pressure to the neck and head that can occur. In this prior conversation you are going to have before you get into your sitting, it would be best to determine how to proceed (or pause) when things are beginning to near a boundary and discuss how both parties would like to act when a boundary is reached. 

Additionally, with your weight or your body potentially inhibiting one partner’s ability to speak or vocalise beyond muffled sounds a safe-signal is also something I would highly suggest. If bondage and or other types of physical immobilisation are a part of your face-sitting scenario, make certain that the partner being sat upon can snap or noticeably tug on a chain or rope, ring a bell, knock on a bed-frame, or some other highly noticeable gesture. Whatever it is, make sure you try it before you get into the thick of things!

Face-Sitting Positions 

Facing Away

This would be my number one recommendation for an initial foray into face-sitting if you are not using a face-sitting chair or support tools (more on that later) or if you are concerned about pressure and weight on your partner(s)’ face(s). 

From this position you can sink down onto them from directly above or if you lean forward, in the direction of their lower body (evocative of a 69 positioning) you can brace yourself with your arms on either side of their body. This potentially allows for you to distribute some weight into your arms and hands and have perhaps a little additional control in how much pressure you want to put onto their face. By squatting backwards and downwards, rather than more directly down (which would be the case if you were solely only on your knees) you will likely have to exert less effort to manage the weight of your body on their face, allowing for increased control.

With Care For Fat and Bigger Bodies <3

If you have concerns around pressure because you have a larger or fatter body type, I’d like to help assuage some of your worries with this suggestion. You can also try this position (or most of the following positions) on the floor or a firm piece of furniture like an ottoman. You can use pillows or a thick blanket to cushion and support your knees and the firmer surface will likely help your balance and help to avoid any sinking that can happen on particularly soft mattresses. Trying this position on the floor is something I would recommend for anyone who is still feeling concerned or worried about crushing your partner’s face or the pressure being too much on them.

Whether on a bed, floor, sofa, or ottoman you may also want to provide a pillow or some additional support behind the head of the person who is being sat upon. This is always something to discuss (as discomfort may be something you are wanting to consensually engage in) but in providing a pillow or cushion behind their head you are certainly increasing their potential for safety and reducing chance of harm. 

Beyond the increased control and support there are many other lovely components of this facing away position. As they give you pleasure (hopefully) with their mouth, when they glance up, they get an incredible view of your very beautiful butt. And how lucky for them to get this amazing view! It’s also a fab position to allow for analingus (aka rimming aka ass eating aka one of the joys of life). While anal stimulation can be performed when you’re straddling your partner’s head and facing them, when you turn around, it gives easier access to their genitals and ass for stimulation as well. 

Face Sitting – Tips For Penis Bodies

If the sitter is someone with a penis or genitalia that is similar in physiological demonstration, facing away isn’t the best position for full or deep insertion into someone’s mouth from above. However, there are a lot of other potential erogenous zones on these types of bodies like the perineum, inguinal canals, testicles, sensation around the base or shaft, and or they may also be an intersex person with their own gorgeous set-up in that area. 

As with all bodies, who are all wholly unique and individual, and changing from day-to-day, it’s always best to have continual check in’s on what is feeling pleasurable and or uncomfortable, and have conversations in advance to determine what places are feeling off-limits or particularly sensitive that day. 

Facing Towards

In my experience and in most of the images/videos I’ve seen, the most “traditional” face sitting position, for lack of a better term, is sitting on a partner’s face while facing the top of their head. 

There are some cute available dynamics in this position. It is perhaps easier to pull your partner’s hair (if that’s something you both are keen on), you can speak to them while seeing part of their face (depending on a few factors), and it is the position that allows for the most comprehensive access for folks with penises if you’re desiring a deeper oral insertion in that department (though depending on bodies this may involve propping up your partner’s head on a pillow).


Just like what it sounds like. Squatting over your partner and sinking down onto their face. 

This position has its own angles of advantages for access. Squatting can open up our hips in a particular way. There is a way in which you can hover your body over your partner’s face that may allow for some really wonderful teasing. This position can also allow for you to sit on your partner without the full weight of your body on them – which if you are having anxiety or worry about that pressure, might help alleviate some of those concerns. 

The amount of physical exertion required for this position should be considered, as not everyone’s quadriceps are able to support this position for an extended period of time. You can lean up against a wall to provide increased support and a little bit of weight distribution – or if it works with the dynamic between you and your partner(s) you could move to a different position if you’re starting to feel tired. 

Knee-up on mattress

This is a position where the body positions in relation to each other are similar to the “facing-away” position – only one partner is reclined on a bed, couch, or other piece of supportive furniture and the sitter straddles one leg on the side of their head and the other leg extended, foot on the floor. This is another great position for pressure control and management of weight distribution, if those are some of your primary desires or concerns. 

In this position you are perhaps the most physically separated from your partner, however, and it may not be the most ideal position if you are wanting the feeling of power that can be achieved in a fully seated position which can provide greater levels of smothering/corporeal intimacy. 

Chairs and Accessories 

A device that can be used, and often is, in face-sitting play are face-sitting chairs. They are sometimes referred to as queening chairs and thrones (but we’ve established my strong “no, thank you” for terms glorifying imperialism or royal hierarchy) so I’ll just be calling them face-sitting chairs here. You may want to include these other terms in your online searches though if you’re trying to access the most expansive or comprehensive results. 

A face-sitting chair is essentially just that – a chair, box, or other support structure that one partner sits on and the other partner lays their head in or underneath. It usually has a cut-out section or a section removed from the seat so that one’s lower body can be reached for oral stimulation. You can find them online, at certain sex shops, and if you’re industrious enough then you could certainly even DIY one at home! Whether you make or purchase a chair, do make sure you are trying it out with the full weight of your body and moving around quite a bit BEFORE you put a partner’s head in the bottom section to avoid any injury that may occur should the chair collapse. 

Face-sitting chairs are great in that they can take on some or all of the weight and pressure from the sitter, which reduces some of the risks around putting the full weight of your body on someone’s face. The way your body may fit into the chair as well could potentially open up your hips, anus, and or genitalia to increase the access to how your body may receive pleasure or stimulation. The ritual of using them can add its own level of titillation and sensual experience. Additionally some of the chairs that are available have bondage components, like attached cuffs and ropes, if constraint and immobilisation are something you and your partner(s) want to play with. Some of them also come with adjustable platforms and inflatable supports for the partner’s head who is being sat upon – potentially increasing their comfort, safety, and the length of time they might be able to safely give oral stimulation. 

The way gender is understood and discussed in these following articles is far from being in alignment with our standards here on the blog, and some of the accessibility understanding when it comes to body inclusivity is also pretty awful, however they do offer some solid (pun-intended) reviews of some face-sitting chairs that are currently available for purchase. 

Submissive Task

Daily Sex Toys

My Sex Toy Guide

I hope that you’ve learned something new in reading through this article. And I hope that if you had any fear or reservations around trying out face-sitting that those concerns have been held, addressed, and perhaps some of the fear alleviated. As with anything new, have some lovely and detailed discussions with your partner in advance, and go slow when first getting into it. We could all benefit from taking a moment to slow down and really invest in being present with the things we do in our life. I wish you loads of pleasure in your face-sitting endeavours from here on out. 

RELATED: If you’d like to continue reading about bodies and confidence we have another article that might be worth checking out. 

How To Build Confidence

Also because breath play can be an added component to a face-sitting experience there is also this KK article on exactly that.

What Is Breath Play?

Want to learn more?

Make sure you keep an eye on upcoming workshops and masterclasses! Run by sex educators and kink specialists all over the world, these classes are the perfect place to pick up tips and ask questions before trying something new.