What Is A Unicorn? (A Threesome Unicorn)
If you’ve heard the term unicorn used in the context of threesomes then it generally describes a person who is open to meeting with couples for sex or intimacy. Different people will be looking for different situations. So while some unicorns may desire a one-night stand, or casual meet-ups, others may want a more long-term arrangement.
You may want to approach a unicorn to fulfill a fantasy in your relationship, and having a threesome where everyone actively participates may be high on the agenda for you. Alternatively, you may want to watch your partner have sex with another person. It’s crucial to communicate these desires within your relationship, and to explore the nuances of each fantasy or desire.
However, it’s also really important to remember that the unicorn will be coming to the situation as a third person with their own desires and expectations. “I think often couples forget that I want something out of the experience too. If I really get on with them I might want to see them again. Often you’re not really asked,” says Jess, who is single and meets couples through apps. “I’m not doing this as a service to the couples I meet. Meeting the couples is a massive turn-on for me too.”
Unicorn For Couples: What do you want?
Multiple partner sex continues to rate really highly in people’s sexual fantasies. Whether you’ve merely entertained the idea of a threesome or followed through and attended sex parties and clubs, you’re not alone if you like the idea of opening up your relationship or exploring sex with multiple, simultaneous partners.
The conversations about your desire to have a threesome can be just as fun and enlightening as actually meeting new people to have sex. Before you reach out to someone to ask if they’d be willing to join you and your partner, consider what you’re actually looking for. Does your partner want the same thing? In your mind when you’ve imagined having a threesome how has it looked? Do you have a ‘type’? Does your partner share that?
Are you looking for someone to have sex with or someone to join your relationship more romantically? Is this a one-night stand or a long-term arrangement?
Setting boundaries and verbalising what you’d like at this stage may help you feel on the same page with your partner. Doing it now, before you’ve started communicating with others or unicorn dating, means you can express your feelings and any reservations you have in a safer, low-pressure environment. It also means you’ll be on the same page when you’re approaching people, and you can all be honest and open from the start about desires and expectations.
“Having been on both sides [the unicorn and in a couple], I think it’s super important to know what you want as a couple before you invite someone else into your relationship,” says AJ. “It can make conversations about pleasure and boundaries much easier later down the line.”
Jess agrees, explaining, “I’ve been in some situations where one partner has been keen to start having sex immediately while their partner has taken a little more time to come around to the dynamic. For many people it is a change from the norm so I think creating a safe space where people can pull back should they want to is really important.”
How To Find A Unicorn
If you’ve decided that you would like to have a threesome then the next question may be where are you supposed to find a unicorn? And as the mythical namesake suggests, they can be elusive. The main thing to consider is; whether you meet a unicorn on an app or in real life, be transparent from the beginning.
“You see a lot of profiles on dating apps with ‘not a unicorn’ written in their bio. And honestly, I get it,” says Emilie. “There’s nothing more frustrating than matching with a cute girl, chatting, and then finding out that her and her partner are looking for no strings attached sex when I’m just not in that place.”
If you’re going to try and meet a unicorn through conventional dating apps or through kink apps then consider using pictures of both you and your partner. It is important that you don’t just approach bisexual women and men and make assumptions about their interest in being a third. This happens far too often to members of the bisexual community, and it is offensive and wrong. Remember to use both of your names (or a username that indicates that there are two of you) and state that you’re a couple in your bio. This will mean that anyone who swipes past you will be able to give informed consent as to whether it’s a set-up that they’d be interested in.
IRL Approaches
If you would like to approach someone at a bar or party or someone you know personally then be empathetic and tactful. The same rules apply if you were to meet over the internet. Don’t spring the conversation about threesomes on them. Instead, make sure you’re in an environment that everyone feels comfortable in, and then approach the topic gently. Outline that it’s something you’re interested in. You could ask if they’ve ever thought about it. If they say no then respect their boundaries.
“While it can feel daunting to approach a third, there’s nothing sexier than when a couple approaches you, speak to you like a human, but really flirt with you,” says Emilie. “If you’re nervous then think about how you would flirt with your partner in a club. A threesome is a group dynamic. If everyone’s comfortable then everyone can flirt with everyone. It’s a win-win.”
Unicorn For Couples: What do they want?
You may be starting to sense a theme in this article, which is that, if you’re in a couple, you need to consider the wants and desires of the unicorn as much as you consider what it is you’re looking for as a couple. The name “unicorn” is fun, and playful, which can belie the types of connections for which some people are looking. Many people love being considered to be a unicorn, and will happily label themselves as such. For other people, the term can unhelpfully gamify something that is a unique and important connection.
Unicorns are people, not toys. If you’re looking for someone to fulfill the role of toy in your relationship, you need to be clear that that is what you’re looking for from the beginning.
If you’ve connected with someone who may want to join you as a third then try to get to know them a little bit over message and understand what they are looking for out of the experience. It is important to give equal weight to what they are hoping to experience, and see if you all align. “As a general rule of thumb please don’t call anyone you hope to have sex with your unicorn,” says AJ. “It can make the conversation feel stilted and pretty much side-lined onto topics about threesomes and sex.”
Couple privilege and making a unicorn feel equal
Once you’ve met a unicorn, really connected, and are now in a position to have a threesome then don’t forget that you can and should continue to communicate how you’re feeling.
“I’ve been in situations before where it’s felt a little bit like me and them,” says Jess. “I totally appreciate that I’m the third entering a relationship but I still have feelings and desires. You don’t have to stop talking to me just because we’ve started having sex.”
Even if you’ve already established your desires and boundaries with your partner, make sure you include everyone in that conversation. No one should feel secondary or used during a threesome.
Speaking about what you want out of the experience will ensure that everyone feels heard. This includes talking about how you want things to happen after sex, too, and how you might handle people wanting to stop or take a break. For instance, if one of you wants to pause, will you all stop, or will play continue for two of you? Do you all want to sleep in the same bed afterwards? Some unicorns will want to stay and sleep over, if the sex is happening in the couples’ house or a hotel, and some will want to head back to their own space. These are all things that can be talked about in advance, to make sure everyone feels comfortable, with scope for things to change as people’s emotions and boundaries shift or become clearer.
You can also continue to speak to each other while sex is happening and have some time after sex has finished for winding down and aftercare. Keeping lines of communication open ensures that everyone is able to ask for what they want, and feel empowered.
If you communicate openly and take time to consider one another’s feelings and needs, threesomes with a unicorn can be a truly magical experience.
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