As always, KK are delighted to have our guest blogger Sarah who is helping us to understand the emotional journey of a submissive.
Aftercare isn’t just for the benefit of the Submissive, and it isn’t optional either. The intense nature of a D/s relationship requires aftercare to help both the Dominant and the submissive better connect with one another and ensure communication remains open and honest at all times.
As someone who is very independent and perhaps a little bit stubborn at times, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve not always had the aftercare I needed as a submissive. For a long time, I saw the need for aftercare as a sign of weakness, thinking it didn’t make me a true masochist if I expected any form of respect from my Dominant. However, it needs to be made crystal clear to anyone looking to explore the world of BDSM, that a true D/s relationship is based on mutual respect for one another.
After a string of hookups whereby the guy would leave me, black and blue, to get on with my day, despite their evident shock at just how well I bruise up after a session, I remember the first time I was given the proper aftercare I needed by a Dom. Not without my initial protest of course. But any Dominant worth his salt knows that if there’s one time you absolutely don’t take no for an answer, it’s with aftercare. If you think you can get away with being disrespectful to your sub then you’re not a sadist my friend, you’re just an asshole.
Whether you’re engaging in impact play, rope play, breath play, humiliation, degradation or anything else which puts the submissive in a vulnerable position, it is imperative that you do everything you can to make her feel safe when you’re done with her. But aftercare doesn’t just start after play; it is a continual duty of care that ensures the submissive knows she is safe and cared for at all times. And the ways in which you can do so are simple…
1. Actions don’t always speak louder than words
“Good girl”; the two words every sub longs to hear. Whether you say it as she’s looking up at you wide-eyed with your cock down her throat, or she’s assumed the position ready to take her punishment without hesitation or argument; those two words will send shivers down her spine, and allow her to smile even through the most intense pain, because she has pleased you, and that’s all she ever wants to do.
And speaking of punishments, if you are punishing her; talk to her. Tell her why and make sure she understands the reason she is being punished (even if it’s purely because you want to). This is also an effective way to train your sub with positive reinforcement, especially when trying something new or pushing a specific hard limit.
The way you address your submissive will also have an effect on the way she feels. We’ve talked about the use of Slut as a term of endearment, but as a Dom it is your job to know when to address her as your Slut and when to address her as your Princess. When she’s riding the high in subspace, being your dirty little whore will only send her soaring higher, but when she’s close to her limit, a softer approach should be taken to ensure she feels safe and comforted.
2. Her body is a temple
I remember how I scoffed the first time I was asked if I needed any lotion after a spanking. I felt proud of the increasing burning sensation warming my butt cheeks, and excited to see the bruising appear and change colour beautifully over the days to follow, so no, I did not want any lotion! However, if you don’t want your bruises sticking around, Arnicare cream works wonders for speeding up the healing process, just FYI.
Despite my aversion to that offer, there was something incredibly sweet about being forced into a warm shower after my first experience with the cane. After marking me so beautifully and running his nails over the raised marks that sat so uniformly across the backs of my thighs, just so he could watch me wince at the intense stinging, he ever so gently picked me up and washed me down, soothing the welts. And I have to say that was probably one of the sweetest encounters I’ve had with a Dom to date.
Just because you call yourself a sadist, doesn’t mean you don’t need to look after your sub. Her body is your blank canvas to mark as you wish, and watch the colours fade from deep purples to blues, to greens, to yellows. Just like a rainbow. But her body is also a temple. Worship it every single day. You should want to look after her, for she gives herself to you wholly without question.
3. Keeping her safe, even when you make her vulnerable
I’ve never been one for overprotective guys, but when it’s done out of genuine concern rather than jealousy, it is a wonderful feeling. If you are partial to humiliation play or any type of play where you are made to feel exposed or vulnerable, reassurance is key.
With her mascara running, her lipstick smudged and a face full of cum and spit, this is when she looks her prettiest to you. Or when she is made to expose herself in public, as you see her cheeks flush slightly, she is more beautiful than ever, and no matter how many people are staring at her in that moment, she is yours. Make sure this is known.
Claiming ownership over your sub isn’t just about marking her body with welts, it’s about giving her the affection she craves too. Kiss her hard and slow, grab her butt in public, look deep into her eyes and tell her she’s your one and only. The dirty and depraved things she does for you are all because she feels safe with you, not anybody else.
4. Orgasms, Orgasms, Orgasms
Making your sub cum harder than she ever has done before is one of the most powerful feelings a Dominant can experience. Sure, Orgasm Denial is a powerful thing too. There are plenty of ways you can torture your sub when it comes to orgasms, but there is nothing any less dominant about letting her lie back while you bury your head between her legs and make her world explode.
Deferred gratification is a great way to train your sub, but I can guarantee that most Dominants will struggle to choose between what they prefer; denying her to the point she’s a desperate dribbling mess willing to do anything to earn her next orgasm, or making her cum over and over again until she’s a hot, sticky, quivering mess begging you for more. Making a girl cum isn’t as easy as one might think, but when you’ve mastered it, don’t underestimate that power boys!
And if she does struggle to reach orgasm, you can bet your ass that no Dominant is a quitter. They will get what they want. As someone who does find it hard, I can confirm that if you’ve already got the connection and trust with everything mentioned above, he’s going to have no trouble getting you there not only once, but multiple times. Let go and it will come (quite literally).
For me, being submissive is who I am. I don’t step in and out of a scene, BDSM is a lifestyle. There are different levels in which people choose to participate in BDSM and whichever is right for you is great. When I am with a Dominant I would happily serve him 24/7 without question.
However, everyone needs downtime, and a BDSM relationship needs balance. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that can make both the Dominant and the submissive feel happy and relaxed; whether it’s lying in bed together binge-watching Netflix, or cooking dinner together, a dash of “vanilla” never hurt anyone. On the one hand, she devotes herself to being your submissive; ready and willing wherever, whenever, however you want her, on the other, she is just a girl, looking for a guy to accept her for her.
Who said chivalry is dead? I think the gentleman Dom is the only kind there should be. Holds the door open for you but smacks your ass on the way through, buys you flowers but also buys you butt plugs, treats you as his Queen in public but his own personal sex slave in private. Like I said, balance.
Hello kittens, my name is Sarah. I’m passionate about all things BDSM and encouraging female sexual liberation. I enjoy good wine, travelling and dancing salsa. You can read more from me at my blog.
Hello, I am Kitten T the Editor of #itsakittensworld, passionate about sexual liberation and anything which encourages female sexual empowerment. I Love horses! You can follow me on Twitter for my latest views on the world of KK