How to Maintain an Erection
Hoping to prolong sex and get more pleasure for longer? Sex writer and intimacy coach David Chambers shares the key tips the tricks to maintaining an erection with the Killing Kittens community.
To most people with penises, an erection is about more than just whether we’re aroused. For a long time, men with penises have (wrongly, in my eyes) conflated their ability to hold an erection with their level of masculinity.
As an intimacy coach, I do a lot to work with men around maintaining erections. I help them to get an erection, figuring out why they struggle to produce and/or maintain an erection and coach them to improve their sexual stamina.
In doing this work, my first port of call is unpacking what most men take loss of erection/inability to maintain to mean about themselves. So, let’s clear this up now:
Whether it’s sometimes, often or all the time, struggling to maintain an erection doesn’t make you less of a man, less masculine or less manly.
For a lot of people with penises, the inability to maintain an erection is less about masculinity or yourself and more about pressure and stress. It’s a vicious cycle, as the very pressure around maintaining an erection is one of the main reasons people find maintenance difficult in the first place.
Sexual performance anxiety, stress & getting an erection
Anxiety and stress can cause erectile difficulties, as well as premature ejaculation. When you feel anxious or stressed, your body activates its sympathetic nervous system resulting in constriction of blood vessels and an increase in the production of stress hormones such as epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. This leads to an increase in blood pressure levels and a subsequent reduction in blood flow to parts of your body such as your penis.
Put simply, if you want to get harder erections and stay harder for longer, you need to relax more, destress, and let go of your negative thoughts.
Ways to reduce stress, anxiety and reduce negative thoughts:
- Talking about your fear, worries and concerns with a friends, partner or professional
- Try something new in the bedroom
- Slowing down in life and in the bedroom
- Exploring your body with touch
- Delaying the penetration
- Adjust your sexual expectations
- Focus on what you can control (and let go of what you can’t)
- Be in the moment
- Focus on the sensation, not on the outcome
How to get harder erections
A big part of people with penises ability to get and maintain an erection is what is happening in our heads but there is also a physical aspect that is within our control.
PC muscle pumps
A practice that I first learnt from studying tantra is pubococcygeus muscle pumps, or PC muscle pumps for short.
It is very similar to Kegels and pelvic floor exercises; your PC muscle stretches from the pubic bone to the bottom of the spine. It’s the muscle you use when urinating, when you try to stop the flow with a quick muscle contraction.
I would recommend starting by doing 20-30 PC muscle pumps (while keeping the rest of your body relaxed) a day, it is a great way to strengthen the muscles in the pelvis and to strengthen your erection.
Deep belly breathing
We often carry a lot of tension in our pelvis, and this can cause tightness in that area and that tightness affects our ability to get and maintain an erection.
Practising breath work or deep belly breathing is highly recommended as a way to consciously relax the muscles around the penis.
Food and drink
Cutting down the amount of alcohol you consume, as studies have linked erection difficulties and alcohol.
The food that we consume has a huge impact on your ability to keep an erection. High BMI have also been linked with struggling to maintain an erection.
But one’s diet can always help you with your erection too, foods like oysters, clams, and scallops have been known to boost testosterone, as low testosterone is also a factor in maintaining healthy erectile function.
Food such as salmon, tuna and garlic will improve blood flow and you definitely want a good amount of blood flowing to your penis.
Non-ejaculation & edging
Non-ejaculation is a sexual practice of avoiding ejaculation. It has long been practiced within tantra and Taoist traditions as “sexual technique designed to increase a person’s sexual energy and to retain it. This is because our sexual energy is life-enhancing.”
One of the side effects that I have found personally is an increased ability to maintain my erection for longer periods during love making.
Edging is a practice of stopping yourself from reaching orgasm right when you’re on the cusp or “edge” of climax. This is something you can do alone or with a partner.
Practising non-ejaculation & edging together can give those with penises and vulvas far greater control over coming and bring you more in tune with your arousal rates.
How to keep your erection
It is important to remember that losing your erection during sex is perfectly normal for men, it’s not a sign that you aren’t enjoying the sex, it’s not a sign that you don’t find the person you are with attractive, it is just something that happens to penises.
From my experience the times that I have lost my erection it has been due to my mind wandering into thinking of fears about my own performance and away from the sensations that I am feeling.
If this is something that you have suffered from it’s a good practice to start your play time slowly and gently, focusing on the sensations of touch, heat and texture of your body touching each other.
What to do if you can’t get an erection or you often go soft
When we are in the middle of having sex with our lover the last thing, we want to happen is for our erection to go, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the lovemaking if it does. Sex doesn’t have to end when the erection stops.
Soft Entry Sex
In the insightful book, Tantric Sex For Men by Diana Richardson and Michael Richardson, they suggest trying soft entry sex. This is starting penetration with a soft cock.
The penis can be slowly eased into the anus or vagina given some good lubrication and some patients.
You would be surprised at how pleasurable this can be for both parties when you let go of the idea that the penis needs to be hard for you to experience pleasure.
After play & massage
Another alternative is to enjoy some after play. This can involve anything you would like, for example sensual massage, caressing, talking, cuddling or getting out some sex toys.
Hopefully, this guide helps you Kittens and Toms get erection
David Chambers s a Men’s Dating & Intimacy Expert, who forged his experiences of human connection and romance in a time before dating apps took over. He is passionate about helping men find a better connection with themselves, their feelings, and understanding how to create beautiful relationships.