Soft Swap Vs Full Swap: A Beginner’s Guide to Threesomes

Did you know that in the largest study ever on the sexual fantasies of Americans, “multiple partners” came in first place? (…no pun intended)

With that in mind, today we’ll be looking at everything to do with threesomes, exploring what is soft swap, what is full swap, soft swap vs full swap, soft swap vs hard swap, swinging, threesomes with a unicorn/singleton, and a little guide to having your first threesome! 

Get ready for an eye-opening read. Warning: titillating times ahead!

What Is Soft Swapping?

So, what is soft swap? The soft swap meaning, according to Urban Dictionary, is “to share spouses/mates with another to the point of digital and/or oral copulation only.”

Essentially, soft swap occurs when one couple engages with another couple (or couples) without engaging in penetrative sex such as vaginal or anal intercourse. 

Soft swap experiences can include kissing, caressing, flirting, fingering or manual sex, and potentially oral sex. The limits of each partnership’s definition of soft swap will be personal to them and should be agreed upon before anything happens.

For many couples, soft swapping is a way to test the waters. Trying soft swap allows them to explore intimacy with others without crossing into hard swap territory. 

Soft swaps explained in simple terms? A soft swap swinging scenario allows for sexual exploration with clear boundaries. If soft swapping doesn’t feel right, there’s no need to continue. You should never feel pressured into continuing something if it doesn’t sit right with you, as is the case for any sexual activity.

If, however, you and your partner do find that you enjoy soft swap experiences, then you might be interested in full swapping.

What is Swinging?

Swinging is a term that can be defined as either (or both) a behaviour and an identity (swinger). 

“Behaviourally, it means that you are in a couple, or you’re a single person, who is living a life of having casual partners”, says sexuality and relationships scientist, Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D. “For most couples who partake in swinging, they’re having these sexual experiences together as a couple, and they are doing it with some frequency”. 

The Swinger Identity

In terms of identity, a swinger is someone who actively embraces the swinger lifestyle (LS). This could mean attending swinger clubs, sex parties, or engaging in soft swap or full swap scenarios with like-minded people. Soft swap swingers often use this as an introduction before transitioning into full swapping. That said, there are many soft swap swingers who stay that way, and that’s totally fine, too.

If a couple regularly visits swinger events or attends swinger clubs where they meet others for no-strings-attached fun, they would likely consider themselves part of the lifestyle.

How To Partake In Swinging: Soft Swap Vs Full Swap

Whether you’re curious about how to soft swap or how to full swap, there are a few universal rules:

• Consent, communication, and boundaries must always be established first.
• Attending swinger events, swinger clubs, or sex parties is a great way to meet like-minded individuals.
• Soft swap experiences may serve as an introduction, while full swap couples are open to deeper exploration.

Now, let’s break it down further:

• Swinging: Engaging in consensual fun with others. Swinger events can include soft swapping or full swapping.
• Soft swapping: A step before full swapping, soft swap experiences involve limited sexual contact without penetrative sex.
• Full swapping: Partners fully engage in penetrative sex with other partners.

Do All Threesomes Count As Swinging?

It’s not necessarily the case that all threesomes count as swinging. Often, the distinguishing difference between a threesome and swinging is dependent on what the participants identify as. 

For example, if all three participants live the swinger lifestyle, the experience could then be called swinging.

Other times, it could be that a couple live “the lifestyle”, and find a third participant who doesn’t consider themselves a swinger but are interested in having or trying a threesome for the first time. This could then be considered a threesome for the singleton.

The truth is, it’s a grey area that’s mostly based on your personal experience. The difference could be what you identify as and/or how all participants engage with one another.

How To Try Threesomes

The best advice for how to try threesomes will depend on the dynamic of your particular threesome, and what you’re each looking to gain from the experience. But in all cases, engaging in a threesome requires some non-negotiables:

• Informed consent from all participants
• Communication beforehand about everyone’s expectations, likes and dislikes, as well as hard no’s
• The ability to stop the threesome at any moment when one or more people feel uncomfortable, in need of a break, unhappy or unsafe
• Safety. Especially if you’re using BDSM props, this would include the use of a safe word, but at the very least should encompass a conversation about STIs and contraception
• Aftercare, so that all participants feel content and included after the threesome 

Whether you’re a couple looking to have a threesome or swing with a unicorn (swing with a unicorn means to have a threesome with a person that joins the couple for sexual activity and engages in sexual activity with one, or both, partners) or you’re a singleton (perhaps a unicorn) looking for a couple, there are various channels to go about it. 

To find a unicorn, singleton/s, or a couple for a threesome, you could:

• Approach someone/a couple/two singletons in a suitable setting, such as a swingers club or at a sex party, respectfully and honestly. Be upfront about what you’re looking for and gauge whether they’d be interested. Remember to treat them as a person/people first and foremost! Even in a sex club, “hello, would you like to have a threesome with me?” is not necessarily the best opening line. 
• Consider apps, events (like KK Events) and sites created for couples or unicorns looking for specific things. Chat with people you connect with through these apps, and meet in-person to see if there’s a connection.
• Use regular dating apps, but remain as upfront and honest as possible with your intentions. This could be including what you’re looking for in your dating bio.
• Consider hiring a professional to join you on your adventures.

Once you’ve found your unicorn, other partners, or couple, some things to consider before the fun starts:

• Where will the threesome happen? At someone’s home or somewhere neutral, like a hotel room? 
• Will all participants actively participate and be present in the space? Will anyone just watch? Will the person watching touch anyone or themselves? 
• Make sure to bring all the necessary items with you, such as lube and condoms/gloves/dental dams.
• Research different threesome sex positions.
• Learn about aftercare (to make sure everyone feels cared for and comfortable after the threesome).

What To Do When The Threesome Begins

When all three parties come together, it’s important to make sure everyone is on the same page. 

How you enjoy your time together should be fluid, comfortable, and joyous for all involved. So, you can move between erogenous zone play, oral sex, penetrative sex and playing with toys in any way that feels best to you all in the moment, or in whatever agreed-upon order you have chosen prior to beginning play. 

Just a small reminder: anything placed in or on an anus should not then be placed in a vagina if one is present, to avoid UTIs and other infections. 

Find Balance, Relax And Enjoy

As long as everyone knows what’s accepted and what’s not, it’s about letting it flow and unfold naturally. 

Be sure to check in with one another regularly, and that there isn’t one person who feels left out, or who feels less valued than the others in the space. Everyone’s desires should be weighted equally, and if that isn’t happening, it is important that play stops so that the space can be rebalanced. 

After The Threesome: Aftercare

After your threesome, as part of your full experience and aftercare, you may want to have a conversation with everyone, asking them to reflect upon their experiences and generally check in. You could also take this opportunity to decide whether the threesome was a one-time occurence, or if you’d possibly be interested in doing it again. 

Feel the energy and read the room to see if this conversation is rightly-timed. If it doesn’t feel appropriate to have this conversation immediately afterwards, you can save it for another day. 

Individual Aftercare For Each Party – Care For Your Singleton Or Unicorn

Last but not least, the unicorn or singleton in a threesome should never feel discarded afterwards. 

Some couples may want the third partner to leave immediately, and if they do this should be discussed prior to the threesome beginning to make sure everyone feels the same way. Remember: if a couple is engaging with a third, that third is a person with feelings, not a sex toy. 

They probably don’t want to be seen as a prop to simply satisfy a couple’s needs – unless they have expressly said they do, in which case, you all can craft how you wish to finish the session together to set expectations before beginning your threesome.

Go On And Explore!

And so, as we draw to a close on our beginner’s guide to threesomes, soft swaps, full swaps and the swinger lifestyle we hope you’re feeling informed and ready to explore. 

It is one thing to be wiser when it comes to soft swap vs full swap, and how you can enjoy a threesome and/or a swinger’s experience, but it is quite another to be brave enough to try! 

If you’re lusting after it, as long as you’re safe, sane, consensual, we say go for it!