How to be Dominant in Sex – What You Need to Know if You Want to be a Domme

When it comes to BDSM, a lot of people tend to think of the male-dominant style of dom-sub relationship.

This is perhaps a result of there being so many male dominant sex stories in popular culture, 50 Shades of Gray being the obvious example. But, just as some people in heterosexual BDSM relationships enjoy a dynamic where the guy is dominant, there are also plenty of people who prefer things the other way around!

Whether you’re interested in making forays into a full BDSM lifestyle as a dominant woman, or you just like the idea of mixing things up with some femdom play in the bedroom, it can be both exciting and daunting to get started. However, a big part of the enjoyment of experiencing new things in terms of sex is experimentation between willing partners. There really is no need to be worried about trying out a new dynamic. As long as you and your partner (or partners) are on board with you taking a more dominant role, and you consider good BDSM etiquette for ensuring everything you do is safe, you have nothing to fear!

Here are some things to consider when it comes to how to be dominant in sex:

What is Dominant Sex?

Being dominant in sex can actually refer to a wide number of kinks and practices, from things like bondage and discipline (where you as the domme or dom are the one doing the restraining and disciplining) through to denying your partner stimulation or orgasm, commanding their actions, and even, if you want your BDSM experience to extend outside of your sex life and into your more general lifestyle, things like having control over other aspects of your submissive’s behavior. Sometimes, domination can also involve humiliation of the submissive, if that’s something that fits with their personal kinks (never humiliate someone who isn’t into it, though!).

Dom-sub (often abbreviated to D/s) play can also include roleplaying elements, such as age play or pet play, where your submissive takes on the role of being a childlike person under your guardianship or your pet, there are so many different forms you can experiment with. This can include dressing up, and referring to each role in certain ways – the classic being that the submissive must call you ‘Mistress’, though you can be as creative as you like with what suits you both; if you prefer, you can be a Goddess or a Queen!

These are all different ways of experiencing the power dynamic where you’re the dominant. However, for people who have a more casual interest in adding some BDSM elements to their sex lives rather than having a structured, 24/7 BDSM relationship dynamic, there are some good ways to introduce yourself and your partner to more female dominant sex.

You can try bondage and discipline, and also – if the idea appeals to your partner – perhaps by introducing dominant sex positions where you penetrate your partner anally using sex toys (pegging).

Safe BDSM – Before

Because BDSM – whoever is dominant – involves things that can push the submissive partner towards their limits. When pain is part of sex (for example, through spanking, paddling or whipping), it may cease to be enjoyable, and because it can also be emotionally intense for everyone involved, it is important to have an understanding of good BDSM practices before you try anything unfamiliar.

Before you begin to experiment, talk to your partner about what they think they might enjoy, what any hard limits are (things they absolutely don’t want you to do or command them to do while you are dominating them), and how they will express if things are going too far for them.

A safeword (a word that would never normally be said during sex, a word that you agree will be a code to stop all play) is needed, as it can allow your submissive to protest against what you are doing or cry out in pain as part of the ‘scene’, without that being confusing to you as the dominant. If they don’t say the word, you keep going.

However, there are some scenarios where a safeword is impractical, for instance, if you are gagging your submissive. There, it is a good idea to agree on another signal such as ‘tapping out’ like MMA fighters do or making a very specific hand gesture that wouldn’t be made normally or accidentally. Even very experienced BDSM practitioners and professional doms/dommes all have a safeword. No matter how well you might understand how your submissive experiences things and what they do and don’t enjoy, the peace of mind that comes from knowing you can keep escalating intensity with them and they can always ‘opt-out’ if they want to, allows for a more exciting and authentic experience.


What you do before your BDSM sessions has an impact on how well things go during your play, but it is also important to think about is what you do after. BDSM can have a powerful emotional impact and may involve acting in ways that are sexually gratifying to both of you, but you could both behave differently from how you normally interact.

It’s important then to have some relaxing, loving time spent together after an intense BDSM experience, whether you cuddle up and watch TV, give your partner a massage, or gently sooth any parts of them you may have hurt during discipline play. As the dominant, you would usually take the lead on the aftercare, although it’s as much for you as for the submissive, so you can both reconnect outside of the BDSM scenario. This is just as important even if you are adopting a full time dom-sub dynamic.

Being a female dominant can be sexy, empowering and really arousing for your partner, and if it is an area of BDSM you would both like to explore then it is definitely a good idea to give it a try. If you are interested in being dominant sexually and don’t currently have a partner, though, it is a good idea to consider this when you’re dating or looking for people to hook up with, as your sex life will certainly be more rewarding if you find partners who prefer the submissive role in sex.