BDSM & Kink

How to be Dominant in Sex

KK's Advice On How To Begin Being Dominant During Sex. Just Know, There Are So Many Ways To Become Dominant During Sexual Play; It’s Up To You To Choose How Much Or How Little You’d Like To Include....
by KK
21 Nov 2019

UPDATED: 3 Nov 2022


Whether you’re interested in making forays into a complete BDSM lifestyle as a Dominant, or you just like the idea of mixing things up with some Dom/sub play in the bedroom, it can be both exciting and daunting to get started.

A big part of enjoying new experiences in terms of sex is the experimentation between willing partners, so there should be no need to be worried about trying out a new dynamic. As long as you and your partner/s are on board with you taking a more dominant role and you practise good BDSM etiquette ensuring everything you do is safe, you have nothing to fear!

Here are some things to consider when it comes to how to be dominant in sex.

What is dominant sex? 

Being dominant during sex can refer to a wide number of kinks and practices, from activities like bondage and discipline – where you as the domme or dom are the one doing the restraining and disciplining – through to denying your partner stimulation or orgasm. If you want your BDSM experience can extend outside of your sex life and into your general lifestyle, meaning you may take control over other aspects of your submissive’s behaviour. Everything, from household chores to paying bills, can be inflected with a Dom/sub dynamic, but only if all participants consent and agree on the parameters of the dynamic or relationship in advance!

Sometimes domination involves humiliation of the submissive if that’s something that fits their personal kinks. As with all kinks and partnered play, you should be sure to never humiliate someone who isn’t into it. 

Dom/sub play can also include dressing up and referring to each role in certain ways. You can be as creative as you like with what suits you and your sub; Dom/me/mxs can be anything from Mistress, to Sir, to Goddess, to King, irrespective of gender or presentation. The same goes for submissive names!

Dom-sub (often abbreviated to D/s) play can also include role-playing elements, such as age-play or pet-play. These specific forms of play give space for the submissive to take the role of a childlike person or a pet under the guardianship of the dominant. These forms of play are often misunderstood, and equated with people who want to actually practice some form of child or animal abuse in real life. This is a complete misunderstanding of what it means for consenting adults to engage in this kind of imaginary play, serving only to create shame and stigma. 

What Is A Domme? 

Domme can be a term for a female-identifying person playing the part of dominating role. It’s essentially a feminised abbreviation of Dominant, which, when someone who identifies as a man is in charge, is more often written Dom. There is also the spelling Dommx available, for people who want to avoid subscribing to any kind of binary definition. 

How To Be Dominant In A Relationship

There are different ways of experiencing the power dynamic when you’re the Dominant. However, for people who have a more casual interest in adding a few BDSM elements to their sex lives rather than having a structured, 24/7 BDSM relationship dynamic, there are plenty of ways to introduce yourself and your partner to more Dom/Sub play or dominant sex.

You can try bondage and discipline in your sex, as well as trying new positions where you can explore your Dom/sub roles if the idea appeals to your partner/s. For example, if you have never penetrated your partner anally before, pegging could be a way to experience a shift in dynamics. But make sure you’re both on board and ready for what the new positions or experiences might bring, as well as having safe words to pause or end play when needed.  

Safe BDSM –Before The Dominant Play Begins 

Because BDSM can involve things that can push people towards their limits, it is crucial to have pre- sex discussions about what is on the table, what is definitely not on the table, and how to pause play or fully stop play when necessary or desired. 

These pre-sex discussions help to establish clear understandings of consent for when play is happening, and they create a structure of safety for all players. This structure of safety is something that many people find gives them more comfort and freedom in their sexual play: for the submissives, it means having security in clear safewords that can stop or pause play, and for the Dominants it means being able to trust your submissives’ “yes,” because you know their “no.” 

When choosing a safeword, don’t choose “no” as your safeword as this may be a word that is part of your scene play. Go for something that is less likely to be part of your sexual play- pineapple, for example.  

As well as the physical aspects of BDSM, it can also be emotionally intense for everyone involved, so it’s essential to understand good BDSM practices before you try anything unfamiliar. To be clear, however, pre-sex consent conversations are an important part of introducing any new element to partnered play, and should take place for all sex that does not fall under the BDSM category as well.

Before you begin to experiment, talk to your partner about what they think they might enjoy, what any hard limits are (hard limits are things they absolutely don’t want you to do or command them to do while you are dominating them), and how they will express if things are going too far for them.

Safewords and Gestures

Having a safeword is essential. A safeword is a word that would never normally be said during sex, and you agree to be your code word to stop all play. Your safeword allows your submissive to protest against what you are doing or cry out in pain as part of the play without confusing you as the Dominant. If they don’t say the safeword, you’ve got their permission to keep going. There’s a lot of stages from 0 – safeword, so make checking in part of your play. Lots of people like to use a traffic light system, or a number system, to check how the sub is feeling and whether you might be approaching a limit. 

However, there are some scenarios where a safeword is impractical, such as gagging your submissive. In those situations, it’s a good idea to agree on another signal such as ‘tapping out’ like MMA fighters do or making a very specific hand gesture that you wouldn’t usually or couldn’t accidentally make. Using something noisy that can be held in the hand can also work, like a bell, loose change or a long stick that can be tapped on the floor. 

Even the most experienced BDSM practitioners and professional Dom/me/mxs have safewords. No matter how well you understand how your submissive experiences each play and what they do and don’t enjoy, the peace of mind that comes from knowing you can keep escalating the intensity yet they can still ‘opt-out’ if they want to allows for a more exciting and authentic experience.

Aftercare After Dominant Sex 

What you do before your BDSM sessions impacts how well things go during your play, but it’s also essential to think about what you do afterwards.

BDSM can have a powerful emotional impact. It may involve acting in ways that are sexually gratifying to both of you while being very different from how you would normally interact with each other.

It’s important then to have some relaxing, loving time spent together after an intense BDSM experience. Whether you cuddle up and watch TV, give your partner a massage, or gently soothe any parts of them you may have hurt during discipline play – aftercare is vital to your relationship.

As the Dominant, you would usually take the lead on the aftercare. However, it’s as much for you as for the submissive, so you can reconnect outside of the BDSM scenario. This is just as important even if you are adopting a full time Dom/sub dynamic.

Being a dominant can be sexy, empowering, and highly arousing for your partner/s. If this is an area of BDSM you and your partner/s would like to explore, then it’s definitely a good idea to give it a try.

If you are interested in being dominant sexually and don’t currently have a partner/s, it’s a good idea to consider this when you’re dating or looking for people to hook up with. Your sex life will certainly be more rewarding if you are able to explore this element of your sexual interest with the new partners you find.

Want to learn more about being dominant in bed?

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